Rough Draft

2008-04-16T02:27:00.000-07:00

Moved to cigarette_love.livejournal.com
(It's without the 'www' behind for links to livejournals.)

Cheers.

2008-01-06T06:26:00.000-08:00

New Year's Resolutions 08'

2007's been memorable, but I'll leave it be for another day. Resolutions, oh resolutions. A certain something that always cease to be after their short-lived existence in our human brains.. But it doesn't hurt to hurl a ticket into the lottery pick in the new year.

It's weird to be back here after a short hiatus, but when inspirations calls, it's a command. And for some reason, I think this fits my public blog more than my private one. Some voice's just telling me that, I don't know. Yet it seems real enough for me to pay attention to. Strange.

I'll prioritize my resolutions this time. :D

#1. Spiritual Life, Church, Cell Group.
I know I've never been much of a 'holy' guy around here. But God's truly the one and only thing that's been real in my life. Through the good times and the bad times, He's always the comfort and the peace. Crying into his arms is always so.. breaking, that sometimes, the atmosphere itself is torn apart, revealing His helm of glory. Putting God first ranks top on my priority. To be honest, that's as easy as it gets, but being the selfish human we are, our own well-beings are always placed above our Father in heaven. People say, if you put God first, His blessings will flow like a river into every area of our life. I've never really felt his blessings in bulk, and it doesn't hurt to experience it this year. I'm hearing a voice that says if I keep true to this resolution, I'll be a great testimonial at the end of the year, to not others, but myself as well. Reading the bible, praying, and quiet time.. That is what I seek this year. Hopefully, I'll be in a ministry in church some time soon, and be serving even more than what I used to serve in cell group.

#2. Mindset, Emotional Well-Beings.
Why is it always that we never rid ourselves of the one thing that needs to be gotten rid of the most? The few close people I have had always been raking this up: Pessimism. I really need to discover a need to be optimistic about life. After all, 17 years old looks to be over once and for all this year, and dreaded 18 years old (or the I-think-I-feel-extremely-old-age) is soon and coming. Optimism ranks second on my new year resolutions, and I aim to be a better person this year. Be positive about life, and live out my teenage years to its fullest, even though what's left of it now looks demoralizing little. On the same note, I'm going to be a happier person, where depression seemed to accompany me for the most part of 2007, joy's gonna be my best bet in keeping me alive in 2008.

#3. Goals & Targets.
What some people have been telling me is that I have this ability to script out my innermost feelings, but I feel that this isn't so. However, if it really is a God-given talent, instead of secluding myself from it, I'm embracing it this year. I'm going to refresh and re-light my passion for reading, and a highly unattainable goal is to spin up an entire novel by the year end, but what's probable would be building up the spine of a successful storyline. Music-wise, I must admit I'm not very talented in it, but I'm going to work on my guitar to lift it up a notch higher. Most of all, I hope to be writing a few songs of my own. Which in this case, I feel that much work's to be done. Most of all, I aim to do well in my 'A' Levels, and through years of unfulfilled potential (or so Mom says), I'm gonna throw in everything on the line to attain a scholarship, or at least know that I've done my best.

#4. Family & Friends.
I'd like to keep this area a little private, since not too many people knows about this area of my life. Maybe just one, or two. But I'll just skim the surface a little; be a better son, and a better friend. A better son in living up to expectations, and responsibilities, and a better friend in just being.. a spark in somebody else's life.

#5. Physical fitness.
The last and final section, and also something which does not bother me much. However, in the name of self-image and vanity, I aim to bulk up a little more. No idea how, since my constant body mass remains a scientific mystery. While I almost never disappoint myself in terms of fitness, I aim to bring my body over the limit this year, just to see how far I can take myself to.

Resolutions are meant to be little, and kept simple. Although there are little things like drawing, dancing, and even taking up a part-time job while schooling, focus brings strength. There are just so many things I need to change over the course of the new year, but to sum things up, I just want to someone different than what I used to be.

Therefore, the finale resolution:
Be inspirationally changed, and hopefully, become a better man.
(Maybe I'll secure the Most Changed Award during Thanksgiving for the third year running, who knows?)

Oh yes, and of course, remembering the most important thing of all.
Learn to love better, because love's what keeps us living to this very day.

Painting an Inspiration of Love.

2007-11-25T07:44:00.000-08:00

The surface appears an unperplexed cool, but a tempest's churning beneath. Where day follows night, and night follows sorrow. Life's beginning to spin some way beyond control, it feels as if the thread hanging is beginning to thin by the day. There's really few, or maybe even zilch purposes in this place. I swear, or take my word for it, that there's absolutely no way I'm staying here once I get the first chance to leave this forsaken place. I want to fly, need to fly above and out my cage, my nest. A drag, it may seems, and the days crawl by. But one day in freedom's a thousand day better in a cold, bitter prison.

For now, I'm escaping reality. I'll build myself another world elsewhere, far away from the eyes of onlookers.

2007-11-20T05:19:00.000-08:00

Rain is a good cleansing agent.

It washes away dirt on the ground.
It make it clean.

It is our playground.
We jump in the puddles in our wellington boots, making big splash! sounds.

Get our clothes all wet, and a sound scolding as well.

It washes away stains.
Stains on our hands.

Our heart, our soul, our body.

Rain makes it a good time to sleep.
To snuggle in bed, and dream.

Rain is an emotion.

It is a shelter over pain and hurt.
Sadness, and grief.

Tears are disguised in the rain.

We jump about in the rain, we can have fun.
There's no tomorrow when it rains.

Rain is a wonderful feeling.

Even more so, when it rains,
In your heart.

2007-11-20T05:08:00.000-08:00

I probably should have closed down this space by now.

Oh well.
Better late than never.

2007-10-27T06:30:00.001-07:00

I miss you.

2007-10-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

Whispering Prayers

He sat up on bed. Sniffling back the tears, he closed his eyes and looked up to the heavens. His hands were clasped together. Occasionally, he wiped his runny nose on his sleeve, like a little boy. In between the sobs and sniffs, he spoke out softly, and fearfully. As if he was begging hard for something more than his life was worth. His body felt weak, and his forehead was burning like wildfire. The cold was making him shiver against his will. He was brewing hot and cold, yet he was numb inside.

His voice was hushed, so light and gentle that it seemed to float and hang in the air. Tears were still trickling; his stomach growled out in hunger. Still, he ignored the physical realm of his surroundings. He needed to connect to a presence, needed to feel something bigger than his body. And then, he touched it. The helm of the reassuring silence. His world was dark, but it was filled with light. Lips trembling, he whispered..

He asked that his father could somehow, be able to enter a state of finacial stability. It pains him to see his father's tired body, and the struggles he had to go through every day. He loved his father. For his sake, and his family's, he prayed for a blessing from above.

He asked that he could strengthen in that few areas of his life. Academically, he aspire to do as well as he did when he was a young boy. Spritually, he wanted the faith and innocence of the little ones. He wanted to do so much more. He didn't want to be a letdown. Not to her, or anyone at all.

Attempting to hold back his sobs, which had now reached an uncontrollable state, he mustered enough strength to whisper out another prayer. "I pray that our relationship will hold steadfast in the midst of storms. And through it all, the stars will shine in our skies again.."

Proceeding to end his prayer, he stopped; hesistated. Deep down, he wanted to ask for one last thing. But.. but should I? He brushed aside these thoughts, and tried again. But once more, he failed. He paused for a long while, and finally whispered his last, final prayer.

"I pray that somehow, she'd know just how much I love her."

By then, he didn't have much time to think about closing his prayer. So exhuasted was his body that he had already drifted off to deep slumber. Trails of his tears that had streamed down his face just moments ago can be seen underneath the dim moonlight that shone through vague opening in the curtains. But despite that, he had already spoken out his innermost wishes.

Slowly, his smile hid his weariness, amidst that peaceful breathing.

2007-10-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

The Art of Drowning

It takes a single step to plunge into deep waters.

A single long breath.

Streams of bubbles dances on the surface.
A hypnotizing, mystical dance.

Like fragile exteriors of life.

Poke them, burst them. Vanish them.

Release into the world, like life is released underwater.

Struggle a little, then stop.

Allow the shivering, frightful images to flood the mind.

Keep still.

Let loose, let life.

Slowly.. gently.
The chill wraps around you, tight.

Life seeps away.

"One step.. just one step."

Dive in. Splash into the rigid, stony waters.

Silence devours the entire world.

Before long, Silence devours.. you.

2007-09-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Eve to myself. (:

2007-09-04T02:27:00.000-07:00

The boy sat by the seashore. He looked up at the shimmering ocean, that so clearly reflects the moon's dim light. The waves played with their feet. It felt chilly, perhaps, it was the sea breeze. But admist the cold, he felt warmth and comfort in knowing she was beside him. He stole a glance sideways. She seemed immersed in thought. He thought he saw a shiver, and instintively, he wriggled out of his coat, and wrapped it around the girl. The girl looked surprised for a second, before her face broke out into a smile. That, was the most beautiful smile he has ever seen. He was transfixed in the girl's eyes. Like a spell, it had caught him without warning, and he's struggling to break free. He shook his eyes away, and looked back out at the sea.

They were both sitting down on the sand, the boy with his hands supporting his body behind, the girl's arms wrapped around her knees. There was a long moment of silence, just the sound of the waves rushing up the shore, and seeping back into the sand. Some miles away, a ship's siren sounded. The occasional flapping of wings were that of the seagulls, returning to their nests. Then, it was silence all over again.

He looked up. The sight of the millions of stars sparkling in the sky had made him breathless just moments ago. Deep down, he secretly wished he could spend this night all over with her again. And then, this time, maybe this time, he'd be able to pluck up enough courage to.. He shrugged of the thought. Impossible. He could never tell her that.

The seas continued to whisper, and he couldn't take his eyes of her. He's never met one as beautiful as her, and he'd do anything to protect her. He's always wanted to tell her his feelings, his innermost, deepest feelings. How the sight of her made his heart skip a beat every single time, how a simple smile she flashed him was enough to make his day.

How madly he was in love with her.

The boy sat up, and wrapped his arms around his knees as well. The girl, startled by the sudden movement, looked at him, puzzled. He really had no idea what made him do what he did. But at that very moment, his hand crawled across the sand, and reached for hers. He placed it in his other hand, and held out her palm between them.

Underneath the sliver moonlight, he slowly traced out two letters, and a symbol.

The boy leaned forward.

"I love you", he whispered gently into her ears.

2007-08-22T00:57:00.000-07:00

"Bye."

"I.."

Beep, beep, beep.

Before he could breath another word, the phone's already clicked, and the phone went dead.

"Bye..", he whispered, softly. Hesistantly. Even though he was the only one who could hear himself speak.

The steady beat of rhythm seemed to match the sound of his heart pounding in his ears. He stared upwards, at the wall, took a deep breath, and let it go. He needed someone, someone that could see what he is being put through now. He felt like he was being placed under the wheels of a giant bulldozer, or in the heat of some furious struggle with a deadly boa constrictor, squeezing the life out of him.

Beep, beep, beep.

The phone offered little, or almost no condolences.

Then, it struck him. He hadn't paid his old friend a visit for some time now.
Maybe tonight, he might just do so.

Beep, beep, beep.

Curling up alone in bed, his mind was all about her. The sounds of his surroundings hit him, the ticking of the clock, the spinning whirls of the ceiling fan outside, the gentle pitter-patter of rain droplets against his windows. As these sounds slowly swirled into one harmonious symphony, he sneaked off silently into a world only he holds the key to. Soon, only the sound of peaceful breathing filled the room.

The rain continues to fall outside.

2007-08-19T04:35:00.000-07:00

It crept along the brittle weeds, a speck of dust would shatter any of which to a million pieces. The unforgiving orb of fiery flames burned, toasting the ground to a crisp golden shade, almost like gold, precious gold scattered on the face of the earth. Crawling, with strength drawn and fetched from the depths of an unknown well, the atmosphere is a cause for concern, it faced possible destruction, broken and lifeless, certain death.

And then, the skies poured down water. Sweet-tasting water, life-saving water, beautiful, beautiful water. Streams of transparent liquid flowed and seeped into dried ground, the soil turned a dark brown, the sprinkles of life showered upon the weeds, the dying weeds. It looked up for a moment, wide-eyed, and then it opened its mouth by pure instinct. Water touched and wetted its lips, trickled slowly down his throat, gave him strength, a strength beyond what it had to stay alive. It paused in its tracks, eyes closed, and it summoned its newly gifted power to pull itself up, up from the wastage that is of the pathetic earth it treaded on, no, HE treaded on. He is a being now, a being, not a lifeform but a being strong enough to conquer what's left of this planet on its way ticking down to doom.

-

Yet time flowed, but the heavenly waters stopped. Soon, earth returned to its original crumbling state, weeds bent their backbones again, and this time, the heat was merciless. The planet was almost burning up on its own, it could blow, any second now. In the midst of it all, a familiar figure collasped on the ground. An organism, still alive, half-dead, burnt and roasted beyond regconition, but still alive, and heaving in heavy, deep breaths. It struggled across the smittereens of crumbled earth, and it could feel itself sinking, sinking into the sand that sucks it in like a blackhole hell-bent on claiming the very bones of the last surviving creature on this planet.

It couldn't move on anymore, any remaining strength left in it had left it, any remaining breath sucked dry out of it. It collasped in a heap, and there was its sense of touch slightly sensitive, and it could feel the warmth of the sand sucking its battered body down, into earth, becoming part of earth. And then everything stopped, and a beam of light shone through its drooped eyelids. It didn't know how, but it seemed to have found enough in itself to open wide its eyes to locate the source of the blinding light. It was as though the light was recharging its batteries for one last glance at earth, poor, dying earth, before it melted and dissolved into nothing-less along with it. The light blinded him, and he could see nothing.

Then, without warning, the heavens opened and swallowed him up.

2007-08-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

And baby,
It's still etched deep inside,
The music of the night. <3

2007-08-10T02:44:00.000-07:00

I got my slick, black Macbook,
and I'm a happy boy. :D

Life's turning round a bend, and the heavens are finally smiling over me.
Not that situations haven't gotten sticky at times, but rather,
I'm blessed with a loving Father and angels from above. (:

Singing,
"God is smiling over us, tonight."

2007-07-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

ily. <3
and so my heart speaks.

2007-07-01T03:37:00.000-07:00

So I haven't been updating for a long period of time.
Not that anyone would care, anyway.

I've been getting tiny bits of inspiration that hits me from nowhere these days, but it hasn't been a simple case of right time, right day. This post over here, it probably just serves as a checkpoint in life for me, just filling up some coveted space in this virtual world built up by a gazillion tiny pixels of technology.

The lengthy days that drift by lazily. Once in a while, the random thoughts pay a visit to a space in the human mind fresh from being hit my psychological disasters. What of the future, and what of me when the days to the end of the year run out. I wish I could smack myself, hard, to a point when I realize worrying is but the root of what I desire to pull out. Important reminder #1: Get my focus right. Maybe I gotta realise the state of academic achievements I'm capable of now. As the bubble of self-condolence once again restrains me from hitting the books, maybe I should let myself know, maybe it's time to bring myself back down to earth.

All of what I yearn for now, maybe it's not what I think I'd never possess. Maybe to realize it all starts with one thing, no matter how much I dread it, it still does come to pass. A jack of all trades and a master of none rings a bell. Dreams, could I ever chase them. And what of that particular star that I wish to live my days upon? The human mind's an interesting combination of natural abilities, to learn, to think, to discover. To confuse, to frustrate, and then to realize. The gift of sight, the naked eyes see less than the telescope that is of the heart. Could I ever see with my heart, hear, smell, or even feel? Take the senses away, take even the breath of life, but never the heart. A pumping mass of blood, appealing? No, but it is our skin that protects us from the elements of this world, from freezing, from jolting back from the depths of our slumber.

Shed that skin?

Maybe my old man up there's been wanting to tell me something for a long time. And even if my eyes get a little watery now, that long stretch of guilt trip compels me to understand that no amount of tears could ever form ladders to heaven. I'm thankful, thankful that all that I've asked for (and it's alot), they haven't been given to me. Maybe I haven't worked hard enough, maybe I lack natural talent, maybe all that's traced on the sand, they cease away like how they always do when the waves washes the dreams away.

No, you're not hearing things.
I'm thankful for unanswered prayers.

But I'm more thankful for that one single prayer that He's answered. Maybe it's just one out of a hundred, maybe a thousand, I don't know, I didn't count. But that one single prayer's been the one single thing besides my old man, that's pulling me through all that life throws at me. The rocks, they don't seem as oversized, neither do they hurt as much now. I wonder if You're smiling up there, laughing and nodding Your head as I'm typing this. But I wanna say thank You. In case your stupid, lazy, forgetful son over here forgets to spend a little time with You tonight again, You could come read this lonely blog built on spider webs and dust on Your own, you know? Hey Dad, it's the 21st century. :D

Yes, thank You. Thank you for this prayer that You've answered. I know I can't be hearing things, things, they.. just don't happen like that. But I'm grateful, for I never knew what a certain word really meant until now. Could You have already known from the very start, what I really need? Cause I won't exchange it for anything in the world, you can bet my life on that. And hey, Old Man, I'm sorry for all the wrong things I've done. Or maybe for the things I haven't done. I'll learn, I really will. I'd love to do your works, love to be that filial, good-behaved boy that every parent dreams about. But sometimes, if I fail, if I falter, give me a little time? Let me learn, let the lessons guide me into becoming a better person. Into someone that people, and her, could lean on. But even after all that, I still want to be a child. A child in Your eyes. Learning.

Seeking.

---

Can I say this again?
I'm truly thankful.

For that one angel,
Sent from above. (:

2007-06-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

Could be your eyes, could be your smiles.
Could be the way you freed my mind.

When you miss the chance of spending the evening,
Holding that special someone close.
When you miss the touch that tingles the soul,
And distance seperates you so.

Well, guess what. Sweep the dust off those long lost tracks.
Cause listening to love songs at nights like this,
It places just as much a smile on me,
As it does on yours. (:

And I hope you'll always know.
You are my everything. <3

2007-06-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

if ever we stand your hand in mine,
we could watch the waves crash upon the shores,
as we scream our hearts out.

if ever the sun stays this way,
an orange-red yarn of romance,
i could lie awake and hear you sing forever.

if ever the wind throws your hair back,
and the ocean breeze chills your heart,
could i offer my jacket,
could i be the one whispering warmth,

into your life.

if ever,
if only i could.

how beautiful it'd be.

2007-06-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

After all this time,
I never thought we'd be here.
I never thought we'd be here.

Awhirlwind of events, and a hurricane of thoughts. Seems like no matter how many times I yell at myself to turn back, the feet only carries the heart forward. I'm too tired to blog about today. I'd better get some sleep, no, study first, sleep later. ):

Oh yes, the one reason I'm here.

Today, I was walking past Wisma Atria. There was this hip looking, middle-aged man playing the guitar in a small cafe alongside the walking aisles. So there I was, lost in my thoughts walking by, when his voice, or rather, the lyrics that filled the air made me stop in my tracks. That song, I thought, is so.. familiar. I thought hard and long, and then it hit me. Blind, by Lifehouse! It was a song that I've been wanting to learn for so the longest time, but I always couldn't find time to do so. It's amazing how one small event like this can speak right through your heart.

When my love for you was blind.

The singer's eyes met mine. The cafe was less than half-filled, but still, there were people in it. But somehow, his voice transfixed itself into my head. The lyrics played itself out, word by word. And it meant alot. I don't know why. It just did. Minutes passed. The song was playing, and still, his eyes were firmly fixed on me. Either that man over there is gay, I thought , or the song's telling me something. Instantly, I figured option one was a stupid option. Which leaves me with.. option two.

And I guessed it did tell me something.

But I couldn't make you see it.
I couldn't make you see it.

That I love you more,
Than you'll ever know.

2007-06-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures.
Pulling your puzzles apart.

Ran off to study today. I guess some time spent alone does do you good sometimes. Fiddling with thoughts of all sorts for the entire evening, the doorway seemed to open for me to step back into a world I haven't been visiting for a while. Into somewhere.. strangely familiar. Yes, the rustling of leaves, cling and clatter, and then dead silence. Oh yes, how could I forget. This is the place where I used to run away to, a place where everything seems right when the world outside spins on another axis, this is.. my place.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

This is the song which shot up to number one on the iPod charts today. (: I still find songs a wonder; somewhere out there, there will always be one song that perfectly paints your heart out on a blank canvas. Pity I'm still tapping impatiently on the table waiting for a chance to place my own playlist into the iPod. Until then, I'll make do with what I have.

Many things seem to flow back as I stared blankly at my notes. Words that made a lot of sense in the past made even more today. Sometimes, I really wish I could turn back time and start all over anew. Yes, people all around the world say that, and most of them just want to reverse their mistakes and walk down that different path they chose not to take then. Me? I don't really care less, I'd gladly take the exact same route again. Just for my path to cross yours again. (:

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me.
Oh, and I rush back to the start.

Everything seems to be back like before. When I used to tell myself this and that, the earth spins clockwise and lemon tea tastes sour. But afterall, I'm only human. Apples fall because gravity spoke its law. Humans? They fall because perfection spoke imperfection. (:

So we'll just have to accept it.
Newton did. So why shouldn't we?

Running in circles,
Chasing tails.
And coming back as we are.

2007-06-06T08:32:00.000-07:00

Near, far, wherever you are.
I believe that the heart does go on.

Seems like a long while since I could find these words again. Been searching high and low, under the blankets and behind the door, but those impish things know my room better than I do. Yes, say hello to some of the As, the Bs, and the Cs, before they run off on their own again.

So my stubborn feet brought me down against my will. Makes no difference, I thought. I was heading to the library anyway. Well, either my feet bribed my brain with some lousy mind-booster pills.. or my brain decided to sleep at the wrong time. Ended up at a high-class hawker centre, but I didn't feel like eating since I already ate a little with Jethro. At least, things turned out fine. A long hearty chat, I guess time and fate work together to make fun of us puny human beings. Oh well, listening to myself, I sound pretty old, giving advice and all. Maybe I am. Old-man hansheng, grey hair and a walking stick. (:

Once more, you open the door.
And you're here in my heart.

The stars were plenty tonight. The crashing waves seem to tell a story; reflections on the water from the city lights shone the cast of the story plot.

And I wished you were there with me.

And my heart will go on and on.

2007-06-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hello, world.
I aspire to be something more. (:

2007-06-01T23:36:00.000-07:00

As he laid awake beneath the stars, he wondered where he really stands. By the time he finally realized, the clouds have already overshadowed the blinking lights in the sky.

But still, he loved.

2007-05-31T11:06:00.000-07:00

It's times like this when I go scrambling under my blanket that I can once again feel the reassurance of someone, or rather, something being there for me. Diving into the comfort and warmth of the one thing that's been with me for sixteen years, maybe I see the depths of a darkness far beyond what it means to be without light in this world.

Having seen it, having experienced it, you are forgiven if you ever wonder, 'once bitten, twice shy'. What more being bitten more than what you can count with the fingers of both hands. Even so, I've failed to realise once more.

The world doesn't fight for you.

2007-05-28T07:59:00.001-07:00

A place, hidden from this world.
A cliff to stand on.
A waterfall rushes down.
A mist of crystal-clear liquid.
Glimmers in the warm evening glow.
Stretch my arms, arch my back.

Dive.

And plunge into the icy-cold waters.

2007-05-25T20:51:00.002-07:00

Dwell into complex inferiority.
Climb a beanstalk to reach your mind.

Dwell into a will to survive.
Throw the red riding hood over your bleeding self.

Dwell into the desire to protect.
Guard your heart with gingerbread men.

Dwell into the vulnerability,
Walk the aisles and dark alleys on glass slippers.

Dwell into sweet love,
Plant a kiss on the sleeping beauty.

2007-05-23T22:44:00.000-07:00

crazy love(:

2007-05-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

Wish the phone would ring right now.
It never will, so blow the stars out tonight.
Let's pack our bags and never turn back.

A-B-C-D-E-F-G.
Spell me the end of this classroom romance.
Let's pack our bags and run away.

Where piano keys carol a silent melody,
And a rocking chair creaks in perfect unison.
Let's pack our bags and leave for the stars.

From this ghost town of a heart.

2007-05-17T05:51:00.000-07:00

The sleeping giant lies still. When he struggles, his efforts were weak. In a semi-conscious state, he floats between the real world and the imaginary. Deep inside, he has given up on all hope. The tiny midgets around him swarmed, numbers in force, and they completely overpowered him. Despite his massive strength and titanic body, the long fight has taken its toll, and the consequences were dire. He knew that right now, no matter how hard he resists, this prison has no way out, the bars are there to stay. No, the only way out was to wait. Patience rings true. He needed time, time to prove himself and time to recuperate. Soon enough, he'll show them. He'll break free, and he'll take flight.

He closes his eyes. The sands of time flows.
Even if it flows slowly, it flows.

And all he have to do is wait..

14/5/07'

---

I'm drinking milk now. Milk makes me happy. :D

Today was a pretty good day. I haven't got no clue where to start, but I do know that Mr Tan is the most understanding person in the school. Never really had that much of a good impression of him in the beginning, but a short conversation with him two days ago told me that this man was different from the rest. So anyway, I think I'm dropping from H2 Chemistry to H1 Chemistry, as well as flinging the most boring subject in the world, Geography, out the window. No more geography! I think that's part of the reason why I'm happy too. :D

And the best part is, I'm staying in my class.

Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, the class's kept me going on. Right until this point of time, I still harbor thoughts of leaving the school for good, but I don't really want to think about that right now. Good grades rank highest on the priority list now, and I shouldn't be letting all this distract me. Time to let the serious side of me come through first, before I revert back to my playful, boring self. (: Yes, I have two personalities, so shoot me.

And thank you Alicia. (: You've been the most caring person in class to me the past few weeks. And you made me feel a part of the class, despite my constant anti-social self. I'm sorry I made you sad/worried over my impending departure from the class okay? I'm staying, and this time, it's for real. (:

And Lizzy, hahaha. Yes, everyday is a last day for me, I know. I'm staaaaaying. Staying to ask you random questions during lectures. :D

And of course.. you! Thank you for the very sweet note. (:

17/5/07'

---

I'm quite pleased with myself, I made the effort to jog today. (: Feels great to run under the setting sun, dusk hangs above, while the evening breeze caresses your bare back. The adrenaline rush and the cold perspiration (humans perspire, pigs sweat :D) brings you back to earth. Thoughts swiveled, threatening to overflow as the park routes lead to deserts and oceans, space and back again. I think that sometimes, I really do think too much.

I'm hungry. Very hungry. ):

17/5/07'

(continued)

---

Sports Carnival went okay. Lost out on what I felt was unfair, you don't look at points difference in basketball, do you? But anyway, it was fun, and it feels good to actually score and the people by the sidelines cheer you on. (: After that, headed down to Yishun with the two girls to give Brian moral support during his bowling nationals. And I left halfway to meet Jethro.

So we watched Spiderman 3, and yes I know, we sure took our time in catching one of the most anticipated shows in the year 2007 (or so they say). But you can't blame us for the flooded theatres since it got featured on-screen, right? Right. So.. we watched Spiderman 3.

And Spiderman 3 was good.

I think I'll post a separate post on it. I learnt alot from the movie, and if I have the time and inspiration to bring out my feelings on it, I will- soon. Since this entire post here consists mainly of events, which is quite a rarity in -mexicanwine.blogspot.com, I won't squeeze my very own movie reviews in here. :D

Right now, I need to fly down to Plaza Singapura. (:

18/5/07'

2007-05-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

"Or it is just him battling his sanity."

Adore the deep sinking feeling of pain and cuts.

2007-05-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day.

Hey Mom, you probably won't get to read this. But I just wanna say sorry for all the wrong things that I've done. I know chances of me getting the Son-of-the-Year award are almost zilch, but just to let you know.. I do love you from the bottom of my heart.

---

So the week's passed, and things are slowly falling into place. Look back, and the smoke and debris tell a story. Reality beckons, and despite all the despairing struggles, it's time to place everything back into His hands. Maybe brokenness is an ingredient; maybe what they say is true. A reason, buried beneath the soil. Take it, take them all. Everything lifted up into the highest heavens, faith is a big word. Five letters, of constant scribbles in textbooks, worksheets, and what have they, keep the flicker of flame alight. May is underway, and a daunting seven more await. As the weary body staggers on, scars from past battles reflect the severity of your remaining breath, barely visible in the haunting cold. Lust for the final reckoning builds up raw strength; you refuse to believe that you couldn't pull through.

Afterall, you've been through sixteen years.
What's another two?

---

Gone are the days when heavy pounding guitar rifts rumble the neighborhood, and screaming artists hell-bent on broken throats dominate the billboard. Maybe after spending years trying to grind my heart into a cold, unfeeling, blood-pumping tool, the unyielding, stubborn thing has voiced its opinion.

"Not a grotesque end with withering petals, but a kiss of death in love's embrace."

---

But if I have to describe, bliss is too shallow a word. (:

2007-05-10T00:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the mouth doesn't speak what the heart says.

2007-05-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the planet, where your air is my poison.

I fight alone, these deep battle scars are my pride.
Who knows, this crazy idea of mine might just work.

2007-05-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

I looked out the window today. A group of six scattered clouds hanged in the sky. The sky was clear except for those few clouds. The wind was blowing gently. And I saw a movie playing out its scenes.

Atop the first cloud sat a tiny fishbowl. In it, a little goldfish swam around in circles. Once in a while, the fishbowl rocked slightly, as if something was pushing against it from inside, trying to get out, to break free. I switched my gaze to the second. This time, the cloud was a seemingly ordinary cloud, cotton candy in the sky. But as I stared, a dark figure leapt from behind it, and splashed back in. What was that, I wondered. So I waited. Then I saw it again. Clear as crystal this time. There it goes again, a dolphin, its sleek and shiny skin reflecting the sun's glare into my eyes, hurling into the sky. The tip of its nose seemed to touch the heavens, before gravity spoke its law, and it came diving down swiftly, graceful as a swan.

The third cloud had something sinister about it at first. As the fog surrounding it faded slowly, it revealed a portrait that told of immense sorrow. A streetlamp stood on the cloud, proud, yet its posture spoke otherwise. It arched forward, back bent, as if it had aged with the flow of time. The lamp shook in the cold breeze; you could almost hear the eerie creaking as it swung from side to side. The glow from within flickered once, twice, then it went out. The nearby ancient buildings stood, lonely. The paint was peeling off, and wooden gates that previously guarded strongholds were victims of a cruel act: the snail-paced ticking of a rusty clock in the sky that took the place of the setting sun.

Confused and bewildered, I looked toward the fourth cloud. It was another portrait. This time, a brick-red farm with an oversized roof shed was the first to catch my eye. Chickens cluttered about in search of grains; cows grazed lazily in a nearby field. A farmer was milking one of them by the sheds, and a dainty lady was hanging clothes up the clothesline. A dog appeared suddenly, its barks like enchantments that spurred the chickens to scramble about, clucking in fear and confusion. A young boy and his sister sat on the ledges surrounding the farm, pointing and laughing.

Now, the fifth cloud was a mystery. At first, I couldn't see anything. But as I squinted and searched, I caught sight of him. A little baby boy crawled above the cloud. He must be two years old, or younger, and he had handsome features. His eyes twinkled like stars, and he had skin smooth as silk. I watched on as the baby crawled about the large stretch of cotton hanging in the sky. I had a notion he was looking for something, but I didn't know what. Which sane parents would ever leave their child atop a cloud, I wondered out loud. Then, as if to answer my question, I heard a giggle. The baby had found what it was looking for. As I struggled to peek at the tiny object in his hands, I realized it was.. a lollipop?

I think I need rest, lots of it. I shook my head to clear away everything I had just seen. Or think that I had seen. As I turned to make my way into my room, I sub-consciously glanced at the sixth and final cloud. It was when I saw.. him. A young teenager was sitting at the edge of the cloud. His legs dangled in the air. Judging at how close he was near the edge, he was threatening to fall off anytime as he stared into thin air. Looking closer, he had a lollipop in his mouth. What is it with lollipops these da.. I couldn't finish my sentence as it hanged broken in the air. That boy over there, he looked familiar. Too familiar. He wore a pair of glasses, his hair wasn't tidy, but neither was it too messy. He has this thing about him that reminds me of.. Hey! Isn't that shirt what I'm wearing now? And those jeans!

No, it couldn't be..

Atop that final cloud, is that really.. me?

2007-05-02T09:07:00.001-07:00

Wish you were here.

2007-04-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

The stillness of the night is music in itself. I've no idea why I'm still up. I guess the tranquility of this night lures me away from sleep. Wish I could walk alone in the park now, with the rows of streetlamps lighting up my path.

Have you ever wondered what sleep is all about. It's more than the resting of the human body. Sometimes, you wish you could hit the sack straight away and never wake up. Life's gotten to such a point when you're afraid to face reality again. So sleep is but a route away from your troubles, a realm where you're free to be yourself. Then again, sometimes, you're so afraid of sleep. Sleep, is like a portal that jumps you forward in time. Life sucks, and you really want to shut out everything you're facing. But sleep is so intimidating, cause you know that the moment you close those eyes, the very thing that stares you in the face when you open them is life itself, fresh and awake, ready to agonise your half-battered body once again.

Yes, I'm afraid of sleeping tonight.

I'm afraid of time slipping me by. It's so hard to face life now, I can't really explain why. Or rather, I gave up explaining a long time ago. People try to understand, and they ask, they emphathise. Yet some feelings are so individualistic, that try as they might, they can never enter your world of thoughts and emotions.

Each day passes as he slips away slowly. No one ever notices, even as the colours fade from his face; even as he grows increasingly thin. Each step he takes brings him closer to the edge, a place where weeks ago, he feared the aura that surrounded it, something that made his skin tingle and his hair stand on their ends. Yet now, that darkness is a cool sensation that evaporates on his skin, oh, how he longs to fall into it. He moves forward.

"No one ever notices.."

But I do. I stand behind this invisible window, watching as that little boy drags his brittle body slowly towards the end of the world. I yell for him to stop, turn back, anything but to continue forward. But my screams were silent, they never reached him.

The stillness of night is music in itself.
And that music, it's soothing..

2007-04-23T07:35:00.000-07:00

8.36 P.M
Happy Birthday, Eve.
Happy belated Birthday, Fiona.

9.42 P.M
I'm studying for my Economics test now. It's comforting to shut out all the stupid thoughts running in my head as the music from Winamp blasts from the speakers. Feels good.

10.02 P.M
With or without you?
I'll pick without.

10.25 P.M
I wish you would learn to take care of yourself.

10.41 P.M
I love my playlist. Or rather, the dark music that's playing itself out now.
Almost, human-like. I think it's trying to tell me something.

11.12 P.M
I'm sad. Why? Don't tell you.

11.14 P.M
Oh! I like this song. (: Disney songs are loveee.

11.21 P.M
I'm sidetracking alot. I shall be nice and give myself a five minutes break.
... Okay, make it ten.

11.34 P.M
I swear I'll run away one day.
I'm heading back to my room to study. Goodnight world.

2007-04-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

I'm a good boy.
Cause..

I eat my meals everyday. :D

2007-04-16T08:43:00.000-07:00

Michael Buble - Home.

Feels like living outside of your body, staring as time and tide washed it away. Watching as the waves stringed the puppet that is your body, watching as they crashed the battered figure against the majectic boulders that stand tall in the sea.

But what was it in the past that made us moan and complain. Times of imperfection that glow the warmth of beautiful perfection, the dust over the paintings of past are only gold in disguise. Shimmer in the sunlight, oh what foolish creatures men are. Sometimes, the yearning for something more than what we could contain, more than what we are, seemed strangely the dreams of fools. The simple things in life hold the only key to what we desire, but we gave up that key in exchange for the chests of treasure. Walk the lonely path, tears run dry, but memories won't go. Even the rain didn't help this time.

Sniff, sniff.
I guess I just have a runny nose.

2007-04-14T09:08:00.003-07:00

Words that cut like knife bleeds the soul.

It's past three in the morning. Here I am, in front of the computer screen, huddled in my blanket, and blogging. Yes, insanity, but when emotions hit like you like a whirlwind and nobody else is there, who else but my trusty 'ol blog to turn to.

And we never knew how lost can be such a woeful feeling. Few, maybe none, would be able to understand the complexity of this situation. We could leave this town, and run forever. Yeah, leaving this little island for good seems so perfect a plan. But you find it so hard to comprehend. Lost is much more than not finding your way back home. Lost is when you have not the slighest hint of where your home is. It is when you don't even know what a home means. It is when you feel the emptiness chewing away your insides in delight. It is when you feel like shipping yourself to a faraway place, never to return again. Lost, is a horrible feeling.

But I never do appear the way I feel.
It's easier to deceive others, than to deceive yourself.

I wish I could spend the night out on an open field.
I'll gaze at the stars in the night sky.
I'll make plenty of wishes.
And then, I'll just fall asleep..

2007-04-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

What can I say,
I'm a fool for you. (:

2007-04-06T22:51:00.000-07:00

So small, yet still so proud.
At night before he dreams, he looks into the clouds.
A high flyer's what I want to be,
Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small.
I don't feel small at all.

Break my dreams, that's what they'll do.
Well I'm going to run away,
And learn to fly like you.
I'm going to go so high and swoop so low.
You can't bring me down, going to be so proud.

Little angel, you got to learn to fly.
Get up, and earn your wings tonight.
Little angel, just look into my eyes.
Get up, and earn your wings tonight.

Push and shove, then climb abroad.
This is the shuttle train to the top of the world.
When you look around, what do you see.
These are all high flyers,
But none of these high flyers look like me.

What is that supposed to mean?
What am I supposed to be?

I pull my way up through this crowd,
To find your body crushed on the ground.
It's so obvious, why couldn't you see?
That you can't go high flying without a pair of high-flyer wings.

Little one's broken, lying on the ground.
Trying to get up 'till his last breath out.
Wings are strewn everywhere, there's blood all around.
'Cause even angels die, but that light just fades.
It's so sad, but he'd be so proud.

Broken angel, you've got to learn to fly.
Get up, and earn your wings tonight.
Broken angel, just look into my eyes.
Get up, and earn your wings tonight.

Get up, and earn your wings,
Earn your wings tonight.

2007-04-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

More of a thief than a heartbreaker. <3

So I haven't been keeping to my promise. Not that I don't want to, you know? Today was a lovely day. It's been so long since everyone headed out together as a happy family. I love Dad and Mum, and my siblings alot. (: We had lunch together. And I'm glad. I don't know how to put it, but I guess the reason behind it can't be explained. Some things can never be explained. (:

And then, we failed to reach on time for service today. Hanged around for a little while, my heart got crushed, before we headed down to town to play. Surprisingly, Pokemon was the main topic as wide-eyed people on the streets stared at us arguing over the adventures of our hero from Pallet Town. I miss being a little kid sometimes. There never were any worries to start with. The closest thing to any, was missing out on an episode of your favorite cartoon. (:

You see, I'm trying hard to be happy, just like I said I'd be. But the nights always seem a little harder, especially when you're hiding under the covers in bed. You miss the bedtime stories as rain pours outside. It's cold, and lonely.

Rain falls, angry on the tin roof. As night catches up on the little boy in bed, it's when you always hang my heart out to dry.

2007-04-05T05:17:00.000-07:00

See the stone set in your eyes.
See the thorn twist in your side.
I wait for you.

I made a decision that I shall be a happy boy for the next three days. Okay, at least until Sunday night. :D Anyway, there are plenty of things to think about. Somehow, despite so much that happened over the week, I'm back here in front of the computer, with a silly grin on my face. It's the weekend, school's out, and the only one thing that's lacking is some.. rain.

Sleight of hand and twist of fate.
On a bed of nails she makes me wait.
And I wait without you.

Haha okay, I know there's not much of a link. It's just that I find rainy days a pretty sight these days, it makes me happy. (:

Through the storm we reach the shore.
You give it all but I want more.
And I'm waiting for you.

And all it takes,
A forlorn guitar,
A love serenade,
& your picture hanging on the bedroom wall. <3

With or without you.
I can't live, with or without you.

2007-04-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

So you sail away,
Into a grey sky morning.
Now I'm here to stay,
Love can be so boring.

Nothing's quite the same now.
I just say your name now.

So you stole my world,
Now I'm just a phony.
Remembering the girl,
Leaves me down and lonely.

Send it in a letter,
Make yourself feel better.

But it's not so bad,
You're only the best I ever had.
You don't need me back,
You're just the best I ever had.

2007-04-03T05:46:00.000-07:00

... But All Routes End Dead.

As he showered in the bathroom, silently and alone, soap trickled down his body, tracing the scars of rejection and disdain. For a moment, time seemed to slow, and the earth ceased spinning. He shook away the spots in his head. As the sound of water drowned out his thoughts, something made him walk towards the lights.. and he switched them off. It felt familiar, darkness is his environment, and it had already made his heart its dwelling place. He knelt down. Around him, steam rose in the room, the warm water continued flowing from above, onto his head, and seeping across the floor.

But for all the faith he mustered, rejection was the venom that spun the webs of despair in his head. Inside, he laughed, mirth of ironies that conjured up strange images. Shadows crept across the walls into his heart, cackling in glee. He was tired of chasing them away. This time, he remained motionless. He closed his eyes. He could hear the clock ticking.

The gentle rhythm lured him far away, and he felt peaceful. But soon, he found himself in the cold darkness again. Yet drug had already taken its full effect. He lusted for the taste of escape. How he wanted to savor it again. He took a step forward, attempting to once again, open the door away from reality. But the shadows would not allow him so. They grabbed him. And they pulled him back.

He opened his eyes. As the lights dimmed back on, he caught sight of a reflection in the mirror. Who.. was that? He wiped away the thin coating of mist on the mirror and looked again. The reflection, though still hazy, stared back. There was an uncanny resemblance. Yet the person in the mirror looked old, devoid of emotions.. cold. A face which told the story of loneliness and fear. Can this be him? It can't be.. it can't.

He staggered out of the bathroom. And Earth started spinning once again.

2007-03-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

Cause you bring out the best in me,
Like no one else can do.

Today took a whole load of troubles off my mind. Weekends seem more like an escape from reality these days, where I get to spend time with people whom I cherish very much in my heart. I may have made some of the worst choices in life, but I've made some of the best friends there could ever be. And then, there's you. (:

I made the right decision in attending the recent few prayer meetings. I've been feeling dry the past few months and prayers to the heavens above are the only thing that's been keeping me going this entire week. I know they've been going unanswered all this while, but something in me tells me to stay strong, have faith, and push on. It wasn't for me to choose though. There's nothing much I could do, as my body and mind chose to endure through the week, battered and bruised, physically and emotionally.

Yet, the last day of March 07' ended on a high note. Despite the many negatives over the month, the only condolences I was offered were through the friendships forged over years. After attending the prayer meeting today, I found myself in the movies watching the life of a man so complicated unfold. What really got me thinking wasn't so much of the number 23, it was more of a how ignorance is bliss sort of thing. And even if the story twisted and turned throughout, it ended with the simplest, yet most beautiful ending. Love does change a person's heart, and it certainly changed yours and mine.

After which, I played pool with Jethro, Junle and Leonard. It's a wonder how a short pool session is able to flood our lives with smiles and laughter. Maybe it's a guy's thing. And I do admit I was a little high, cause for some reason, I am a very happy boy today. (: I took off at half past eleven to take the long walk/ride home with my primary school friends. And while photos capture memories, memories capture the feathers of bliss that quiver in the air.

But all good things come to an end. It's 3.14 a.m now. Before I dive into my bed and pull the covers, I wish the world a silent and peaceful night.

And yes, your smile that made my day remains etched on my mind.
I wonder why.

That's why I'm by your side.
That's why I love you.

Replies to tags:

Sandy: Hellooo. (: Stop being obsessed with the number 23!

Jeremy: Hey, man. This place isn't emo, it's filled with love and joy. (: Haha, anyway, good luck with polytechnic life and see you soon.

Charmaine: I'll go read all your posts! (: I do wish you come back to church soon, cause everyone misses you. ):

Anna (MI): And good luck to you as well. (:

Monster: (:

Atiqah: Atiqah Atiqah Atiqah, I miss you toooo. ): And everyone else!

Irvin: Haha, yeah yeah. And plenty of your ' C' s too, eh? Hahaha.

My (very own, gasp!) reader: Hey there, thanks for visiting/reading/tagging, and for your compliments as well. I could link my archives to you if I could, but I have absolutely no idea how. Besides, I have doubts that my archives are capable of sustaining any interest. (:

Huiyi: Hello Huiyi! Haha, I miss you and the rest alot. ): Stay cheery yourself too! (:

Nisa: It's better to be late than never! Haha, the outing.. shall commemorate one day! I really don't know, you need to ask the rest! I'm free to catch up with you anytime though. (: I hope you've been fine!

2007-03-30T02:41:00.000-07:00

Tell me why.
I hate how you always never seem to answer.

---

The last time I looked, the sky was a beautiful shade of orange and red. I was playing the guitar until darkness fell and everything felt refreshing for a change after a very tiring week. I'm sorry that this place contains just bits and pieces of my life now, but that's exactly how things are right now. I'm picking up the pieces slowly, bear with it and I'll sort out everything soon. At least, I hope so. For now, let's drown in our sorrows and raise our mugs to the drunken night sky.

2007-03-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

My body feels cold. My forehead is burning hot. My nose is killing me. I feel terrible. I think I'm falling so sick I'm gonna die anytime soon.

2007-03-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I'm going to stay up to do Economics. And Chemistry. And Mathemactics and Geography. I'm going to work myself so hard that I die in the process. And if all else fails, I shall fall asleep at dawn and not wake up in time for school.

I wish I could talk to the principal of NYJC.
I wish I could study in NYJC.

2007-03-25T06:17:00.000-07:00

Lifehouse - Take Me Away.

One part of me bemoans the many wrong decisions I made in life. Yet another part pushes me on. Someone once said this to me. What doesn't breaks you makes you. But some days in life, you find yourself lying on a field. Look up upon the sky, the stars, and the moon. Your heart, your eyes gaze in awe at God's wondrous creations. And you whisper a silent prayer. You cry out to be broken.

I wish I could be happy like them. I wish all this was a bad dream. I want to wake up, badly. But the truth is ugly. And realitiy is cruel. My final last attempt probably ended up undisclosed, buried under a pile of thrash where it lies cold and lonely.

Emptiness fills up you heart. It threatens to overflow.
Yet, it is but only empty.

Sometimes, you ask: "God, what's your problem?"
But each time, the reply was silent; non-existent.

You look on, as the days ahead form the invisible bars that build your prison.

2007-03-21T02:58:00.001-07:00

And Live Our Lives, Stigmatized.

This just hit me from nowhere. I badly want out of this little island. I'm 17 this year. I have my dreams. And being here, they're hard to acheive. They're impossible to reach. I need a little more breathing space. I need somewhere to let myself out. I have the world under my feet.

I need to live.
I need to express.

It's not about school, not about people.
It's not about anything.

I just want out of this place.

2007-03-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

I went to visit an old friend near the Esplanade today.

---

"It's been a while. How have you been, old pal?"

"What a surprise! Pretty much the same, little guy. What brings you here?"

"I'm visiting you cause I missed your company."

"Hah. You never change, do you? I reckon life's giving you a hard time again."

"You bet it is."

"How's school?"

"Roll the years back 4 years from now, and you've got your answer."

"Some things just don't change, eh?"

"Yeah. But it's a wonder how many things can change within a short time too."

"Uh huh."

-silence-

"You know, people come to this place with cans of beer. You're the first who comes with.. bars of chocolate."

"What do you know anyway. Chocolate is the new cool, can."

"Can? Uh. Can, can. So who's it from? Penguin?"

"No. Penguin swam away a long time ago."

"Then?"

"Monster gave them to me."

"Tsk. First, there were penguins. Now, there are monsters. You live a life of fantasy, don't you?

"Yes, and what have we got here. A talking merlion."

"Merlions are better than penguins or monsters, can!"

"Can, can. You win."

-silence-

"Otherwise, why would I be here with you to watch the world pass us by?"

---

It's good to visit old friends once in a while.

And when it's time to go, I left him with the stars for company.

2007-03-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

What happens if one day you find yourself stuck in life, a sense of dread swirls in your stomach, and your throat feels a little too dry for comfort? When centuries moves forward and you stay behind and watch the walls close in on you? Spell u-n-f-a-i-r, and it reads connections and dollar bills and you dream of which mountain peaks you would be on. And why is it so that as four years slipped by, you take in the sweet scent of a new beginning before the familiar odour of regret and dread rush in to invade your life? You say, six years of perfect unison with the now familiar sound of dragging school shoes, and I say, why not, now that you've flung my life thus far. Oh, sweet joy, I rejoice in failures and swim in seas of despair.

But hey, it's been a while since you visited me, eh? Welcome back, let's get on with your twisted game of life.

2007-03-06T07:33:00.000-08:00

Stars looking at our planet, watching entropy and pain.
And maybe start to wonder,
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane.

As fast as they had come, they left lightning quick, and you wonder if the footprints left in the mud belonged to you in the first place. Just a click, and the next day, unknown territory makes your heart pump a little faster, 07A2 suddenly feels so beautiful a dream. Oh wait, a dream?

I never had a chance to say goodbye, much less shed a single tear. And so, 07A2 bid their farewells, alighting from the train fate had brought them all together in a single eventful journey that grafted unspeakable joys into this run-down carriage. For many of them, the closing chapters of secondary studies opened the doorway to a whole new beginning, but now, chapters are closing again, and even fairytale endings sometimes invoke tears in the coldest hearts. Much as the final page tempts us to tear it out for time to rewind itself, pages do run out in the end.

Dip fountain pens in ink, flip tattered pages, and a whole new story unfolds itself into the future.

Tracing the constellations of stars, a full moon looks down upon you behind the fog. You say look into your eyes and speak to you my heart. But my heart says look into my eyes, and you'd see the endless rain that pours inside. The stars do twinkle in the night, but the fog hides a thousand secrets; it cuts a lonesome figure.

But a walk down the park left me with countless thoughts.

Overdue replies to tags:

Syahira: I'll miss MI and I'll miss you too. ):

Charmaine: I haven't seen/talked to you in ages, I wonder how you're doing. (:

Ethel: Hello! I'm a bright boy!

Anna: I know. Thank you. (:

Anna (MI): Thank you for the marshmallows(?). We'll meet up still, okay? Haha, you're one of my first friends in MI!

Nisa: Hey YOU. Can't believe you withdrew from school! Haha, we're going out next week to celebrate your birthday, yes? (: And I'm going call you and take up all of your time soon, hahaha. :D

AhCHING!: Haha HELLO. (: I'll miss calling ahching!ahching!ahching! in school! ):

Monster: Hello you, hahahahaha.

(: : Hahah. And what do we have here, this has 'lek' written all over it. Talk soon, playmate/shopping mate. (:

2007-03-05T06:19:00.000-08:00

Endless Rain.

Thank you, two-years-old-silly-monster-and-pretty-egyptian!

For making my day,
& your silly-ness that made me laugh so hard. (:

040307. <3

2007-03-01T06:01:00.000-08:00

The strands in your eyes that colour them wonderful,
Stop me and steal my breath.

270207 was really oh-so beautiful. The colours in your heels painted the day pretty, it painted my day. Your smiles and laughter captured the faintest of light; the glow behind the clouds in the morning. Years down the road, and it'd be good if we're still good friends, but if sadly we aren't, I'll still look upon this day and smile myself silly.

Y'know, you have the most mesmerising of eyes. (:

As the sun sets on the two months we spent together, I see something in the far horizon that I'd cherish very much. The memories that 07A2 brought me. The days when we laugh time away, and all the silly things we did together. I'll miss you, you and you. ): Hell, I'll miss everyone.

& without a doubt,
Your eyes, your smiles.

2007-02-26T07:25:00.000-08:00

Sense Field- Save Yourself.

The swansong of the short, eventful chapter tingles in the night air, and your eyes speak more than everyone else. I refuse to count down the days finale; to a departure that paint the picture of releasing ' life ' through ' death '. The fountain evoked a thousand and one thoughts, and the last being you, cradled me to sleep under the dying stars.

Goodnight.

2007-02-23T06:17:00.000-08:00

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing. (:

Seems like an everyday thing when you sit in the room, lights out and waste time away online. 22/7 was a good day in a long while. The company, and a whole giant tub of ice-cream is <3. And then it was a swim in the rain and the puddles, followed by a game of Warcraft with the gay mates in class. :D

Funny thing, life. One moment it's dull and the other moment everything's oh so interesting. And it's a wonder how much a single person you meet for three months can turn your life around so much. Smiles and laughters are wonderful creations, and I do love them so.

And I'm glad the lights in the sky are back on, and I'm going to have bedtime stories again. (: I do realise that when you try too hard, some things are pretty hard to keep hold of. I shall remind myself not to get " First Blood-ed" that often now, in the game that keep us guys in 07A2 going through the lazy lessons in school, as well as in the days that are gonna pass me by.

2007-02-15T05:18:00.000-08:00

You caught me under false pretenses,
How long before you let me go?

Steven left on Sunday. You're one of my first friends during secondary school and you've taught me many things. From Counter Strike to Warcraft to playing pool, we've been friends for more than four years now. I know you probably won't see this now that you're away in Melbourne, but it's okay. This place here serves as a keepsake of recollections anyway. This is gonna sound weird for a guy, but yeah, it'd be weird without you around. The eleven of us will miss you.

Goodbye, dear old friend.

Glaciers melting in the dead of night,
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive.

It's a strange feeling. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm sinking so deep. Like a supermassive black hole, all else are sucked away into the vast deep space. But this rose of yours, it's killing me, it's bled me dry. The thorns, they hurt me like crazy and my world spins, and I don't know if it's you, or the pain that numbs my senses. The quicksand that conjures out from nowhere drowns out all sight and sound, hey you, won't you blow me out and end this game of cat and mouse.

You set my soul alight.
You set my soul alight.

It'd be pretty cool to live on the moon. I'll leap from crater to crater and collect space rocks. Aim them at planet Earth and throw them as hard, as far, as I can. Then I'll watch it fly and vanish into the night, into space, into the dark and into nothingness. Maybe someday, a meteorite would crash onto the Moon and if I'm lucky to be alive, I'll spend my days waiting for shooting stars to appear. I wish, I wish upon a shooting star..

That you'll be up here with me. (:

2007-02-14T08:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Birthday, Carey.
Happy Birthday, Karen.

I'm a tad too late. But as it goes, valentine's day struck itself off the calendar like any other ordinary day. I told myself I'll be contented to even catch a glimspe of your shadow, and that's enough to knock me off my feet. Thank you 07A2 for the gifts and the company, I do love you all alot. (:

The past week's probably the worst week I've endured since the start of the new year. Getting a 13 on my scoresheet kept me down for a couple of days. Failing to hang onto my job just to send my friend off to Melbourne seemed an all too familiar scene that played itself out once too often in the past. But it's just a passing storm. Slight drizzles, a few streaks of lightning and thunder in the background.

It's 12.25 now. I know it's early but it's been a long day. Before the clockworks of time race too far ahead, I'll need to take a few seconds to lock the past week's events up in a single chapter. But, that's for another day.

For now, the magic flute plays. Goodnight, world.
Goodnight, you. (:

2007-02-09T05:34:00.000-08:00

Plug In, Baby.

I got back my results today. That tiny slip of paper, holding what was in the past, and what is to be in the future. I stared at my grades, and they stared back. Silently. As everything unfolds ever so gently, I traced the outline of the number that appears so often in my head these days.

13.

If this was the mid or final years, I'd be over the moon. 1 A1, 3 A2s and 3 B3s. I never dreamt that I could ever have acheived that on my own. This is probably the best set of grades I've ever gotten since the day I stepped into secondary school. But.. this isn't any ordinary exams.

This is the O's Levels.

I'd have settled for 12. To get into ACJC is to far away a dream, but SAJC wasn't that far off. But what I feared for came true in the end. Getting a 13, just a single point of what I had wanted to get. So here I am, stuck and lost, and not knowing who/where to turn to.

13. I tried my darnest best, and I got 13.

I should be feeling happy. I really should. I did reasonably well. I proved to Mum and Dad that I'm able to acheive As for my Mathemactics. I proved myself to those who doubted me. I acheived better grades than most of my peers. I worked my hardest and did my best.

But why am I feeling this..

Numb?

2007-02-02T04:16:00.000-08:00

Can you grant me one last wish,
Play russian roulette as we kiss.

When I was young, I used to drag my blanket along behind me wherever I go. It was especially so when my parents are away, or when I fell sick. My blanket was my trusted companion, soaked with years of tears. I bury my head into it and cry all the time. It was the same in many occasions, like when Mum and Dad fought in the past, when I see toys that I want but never could have, and when I couldn't reach the chocolates on the highest compartment in the fridge. While children these days grow emotionally attached to their maids who are by their side 24/7, it was my blanket that watched me grow up. I still recall the times when I try to explain my sadness to the grown-ups around me, but it never did worked once. But it was my blanket who seemed to understand, and even though speech was never an option with it, its presence gave me silent security, and needless to say, warmth.

Of course, it wasn't all sadness and tears. I remember that when no one was at home, I'd tie my blanket around my neck and 'fly' across the living room, pretending that I'm the invincible Superman. I'd jump up and down on the sofa, and do all kinds of silly things. It's a wonder how we used to entertain ourselves as kids when we were young.

I'll be your cheap novelty.
Blow your brains out on me.

I guessed I failed in my attempt to burn myself out today. An afternoon spent playing soccer went a long way in making sure my temperature rise considerably, but I was able to last through the day. Now, the fever's taking its toll on me, and it's a good thing that dear 'ol blanket is always there, rain or shine.

I'm still sane. It's just that sometimes, when everything crashes into you like freight trains, it's only normal to retaliate with everything you've got. And it's when you lie exhausted and gasping for breath, when your mind's left spinning and your knuckles bruised, that you pick up your blanket, and continue that lonesome path down the dark, cold tunnel.

You can be my james dean.
And I'll be your sweet queen.

After all, no ordinary freight trains can stop Superman, can they?

2007-01-31T04:13:00.000-08:00

La Belle Dame Sans Regrets

Always dreamt of living in those towns you see in the movies, where the dust swirls in slow faded motion, where lonely lampposts whisper words to one another. People walk about hurriedly, hustling in their coats pulled tight around them, and a sudden chill sweeps the town. And this town, in the middle of nowhere, stands alongside a jetty which gazes out to sea. I'll take that lonely walk down the dusty streets; beckon to the lampposts my silent acknowledgment. Then I'll sit at the edge of the wooden pier, legs dangling, and fall asleep amidst the sounds of sonata waves.

While my country fights valiantly against Thailand, and a goal up, I sit here in front of the computer screen. Resonances of jazz fill the room, bringing about a mysterious romance to the place. Much as I want to follow the match, I haven't felt this sort of emotions for a long, long time. Not those days thrash-filled with angst, no no. This time, it's something special. Something warm.. beyond reason.

If ever you gently tap me by the shoulders, and I look into those eyes of yours, I swear I'll never let you go. The seabirds sweeping over the seas shall be our witnesses, and the lapping of waves, our voices.

I'd probably go join the rest of 'em for P.E tomorrow. If the weather were as fine as the previous days, wind ruffling our hair constantly, it'd be good to go for a run to take my mind off things. Very soon, I'll swing the closet doors open and let the little things that pile up at the back of my head loose. I'll pick up the pieces one by one. It isn't gonna do me much good if one day, I get swallowed up by my reluctance to clear up the dark clandestine secrets I struggle to hide.

Hah. Ian, you emo-kid. I'm so ashamed of you.

2007-01-29T07:15:00.000-08:00

How long must we keep riding on a carousel,
Going round and round,
And never getting anywhere.

The past days are growing increasingly fun, especially in school. I know I've said it once, and I'll say it again. I really adore my class, from my lovely chairman Shikin to the torturous Ethel who never fails to make my day hyped up, from the freaky Malory who's actually really friendly in nature to the pretty Cheryl many guys go crazy over, from the ever so funny Wenjun to my four years buddy Eugene. The different personalities clashes added spice to the dull life I foretold and to tell the truth, I'm wishing days pass by more slowly now. (:

Almost half of the class headed to the Kallang Stadium on Saturday evening to cheer on the Singapore team on home turf. You have to be there to really experience the many highs of my first ever live soccer match. ( although this is the complete opposite of the one I always dream of in Old Trafford ) Wenjun, Little Monkey from M.I and an oversized guy from the group of Malays beside us derived joy from insulting the Malaysian team and the tiny sector of Malaysians supporters at the side of the stadium. I, for one, was laughing my head off at the many creative insults they came up with. It's a pity Malaysia scored first but something cracked me up badly during Singapore jeers at the Malaysians, courtesy of a scrappy goal they scored. This large sized Malay woman, with her little boy by her side, leapt up in fury and pointed a middle finger salute to the opposing fans, at the same time, screaming incomprehensible words I found hard to catch. I really didn't know Singaporeans were so passionate about our home team, haha. Then there was the all too familiar beat that was followed by an insult. One of the highlights of the evening came when Singapore equalised. The whole stadium erupted, I tell you. You should have seen the people jumping for joy. And more was to come when Lionel Lewis saved the fifth penalty. I hadn't felt more anxiety and joy in the short span of four hours before. In conclusion, Singapore kicked some ass on Saturday night, and 07A2 left with spirits high, memorable photos capturing a magical night, and yet another historic Singapore win.

This paragraph here is to thank Nisa for the cookies she made for me! Although it was all devoured before you can say ' delicious ', it was really sweet of you to bake those cookies for us! Thank you, and we'll go cycling soon! All seven of us. :D

This is to the world:
I love being tortured by Ethel Choy during Chinese lessons.
Ethel Choy is the best.
Long live Ethel Choy.
P.S I'm typing this with a gun pointed at my head.
P.P.S Ethel doesn't know the trick behind the fingers game. :D

29th of January - A VIP friend of mine made my day. Even though it was just to fix a little something, and we talked for just a little while, every little things add up to script themselves on our VIP friendship book of memories! So therefore, I'd like to express how much I treasure this VIP friend and that she gets well really, really soon! (:

This is the long goodbye.

Alright, I'm pretty much done in here. I'mma grab some shuteye now.

Replies to tags:

Jenny: Haha, yesyes. I saw you today!

Yvonee: Nooo. I'm a happy boy who think of happy stuff! (:

Ethel: Am not! You're the emo girl! Haha yes, 07A2'd be kinda weird without you.

Jacqueline: Your wish is my command. Linked! (:

Anna: That's another Anna, my cell group leader!

Nisa: Yummy cookies, Ian says thank you to Nisa!

Atiqah: Hello Atiqah! I hope you aren't sad anymore!

Charmaine: Hello, thank you! Oh yes. But there's always next week!

2007-01-24T04:52:00.000-08:00

07A2!

I was probably half awake when I blogged yesterday. I presume I'm currently in a similar state. So I decided to edit yesterday's post with a simple thought in my head.

I <3 07A2 plenty! (:
From the bottom of my heart.

Replies to tags:

Anna: HELLO YOU. (:

Charmaine: I'm just glad the posts didn't bore you to death! Haha, YOU take care too. (:

Jenny: Haha hey, I updated. Anyway, OG outing was fun!

Jacqueline: And mine's 2408972150892457 + a few more days after you! Haha, hello there, keeper of the beautiful smiles. (:

Nisa: I don't! And stop cracking me up in school, hahaha!

Beitris: Thank you for coming! (: Haha, we HAVE to meet up one day. Study in Coffee Beans & Tea Leaves again or something!

Yvonee: Hello, happy happy happy!

2007-01-19T07:41:00.000-08:00

When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

This would officially be the anthem of my year 2thousand7.

Halfway through the month, and life seems to open up a landing space for me. A refreshing change for once, things haven't been the usual moody blues that splatter across the memories of previous months. Not that everything is perfect at the moment but interestingly, I've enough in me to keep on going in an otherwise fair and smooth sailing month of January.

ACJC's very much different to MI, but even so, I greatly enjoyed the days spent in both schools. To be honest, from all the opinions you gather, nothing's more accurate than personally tasting the school itself in its flavor. I made plenty of friends the past few days, and even though fade out, wash out, is inevitable, I had some enjoyable times with the acquaintances/friends I've known these days. And I'm thankful for the short period of time which I get to reminisce the good 'ol primary school days with some good 'ol friends. (:

To lie in a bed of roses is a wonderful feeling.
I don't wanna get up, ever.

I've been talking to quite a number of people online these days, but there are a few conversations that really made my days. I haven't had such cheerful chats in months, maybe because some people have changed/are changing and getting on with life on their own while others have moved in to take their places. And maybe because I'm a little slow, I didn't realise such nice people exist in my life. (:

When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

WE WILL GO RUNNING TOGETHER ONE DAY.

Haha, I shan't be pessimistic this time. I hope the cars that just filled up the empty parking lots of my heart remain there for a long, long time. May all gas tanks be empty and tyres, punctured. :D

2007-01-15T07:10:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Hantian.

Yeah, he probably won't see this and even if he does, it'd take years for him to understand how a big brother feels. Haha, I guess guys are damn strange from the start. Like how your dad loves you but never does shows it out, and even if he does, he'd act all tough and turn away. Maybe being a big brother's pretty much the same too, I do love my brothers despite them bickering non-stop, but to say or act out how I feel just isn't.. the type of things us guys would do.

And Happy Belated Birthday, Anna.

I've no inspiration to blog now, and my body's crumbling to pieces following some tiring days. But I'll come back soon, I promise. Cause I love writing/blogging, and I do realise few ever visit this blog but still, I heart my blog plenty. (:

2007-01-13T10:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I laugh at our own obscurity. Of humans' uncanny ability to sink from the sanity to the insane, and of gestures and actions worthy to be labeled reprehensible.

Truth is, we're made up of fragments of deception and mendacity. Impenetrable, the clock frightfully ticks and the world spins without heed in awaiting self-destruction.

Ian, Tan

Insight upon Dawn

2.13 A.M, 14th January 07'

2007-01-08T23:17:00.000-08:00

And laughter is my soul release,
But we're not smiling anymore.

I hope I do get my pay this week. My gut feeling says 240 worth of cold hard cash but I'll be more than happy to get more. I've got my eyes on a new Nike bag and a pair of Converse sneakers. There's a new Nike bag out not too long ago and I kind of think it's okay. But now that I see almost ten of such bags around each passing day, it'd grown rather distasteful. Now I secretly hope everyone buys the new one and throw away the old ones. Then I'll be the only one with the old Nike design. :D

2007-01-05T07:16:00.000-08:00

a Breath of New Life & a Shot to the Head.

A new school brought about a sinking feeling in my stomach on the first day of school, a little optimism on the second, and ended a little better then I had expected on the finale. I guess being who I am, I should be glad with the few friends I made here and there which would most probably end up being hi-bye friends in the near future. Haha, I'm afraid I've created a very bad impression for myself, skipping almost a day's worth of school hours, crashing in on other clans, as well as getting sent home for long hair today. But I must voiced out that I made more than the usual effort I'd normally make to talk to as much people in my clan as possible. But.. I doubt anyone would still be able to recognise me on Monday. Mi wasn't that bad, considering its rumored reputations, and at least, my group has the coolest name, Kyra, and the best OGL, Farisha. So 3 days in Kyra 2 helped me settle a little, but like many others, moving on in 6 weeks time is just a matter of time.

I should say that I'm very proud of Kyra 2, and I apologise for my almost zilch contribution to the group. Not that anyone from my orientation group would ever come across this, (as I wander away on most occasions) but for memory's sake, I think if given a choice, I would choose Kyra 2 and start all over again. (:

See, I'm an emotional person, but save the tears for another day.

A little nagging thought crosses my mind now and then. Seeing how some of my friends from other schools settling in their respective JCs all too comfortably, I keep thinking of how many things would change in 2007. I do hope the little doors left open would not dwindle yet again. But fact is, some would leave just that little peak open, while others.. shut completely. I hope that I'm wrong though. New year resolution #1: Be a happy boy that hopes; be it high or low.

Even if it means lying to myself.

I'm a happy boy, as of now, 5th January 2007.

Three cheers for Kyra 2, and my very nice, short and soft spoken OGL, Farisha. (:

Replies to tags ( sorry for my being late ) :

Fel: Hey! It's Black Balloon by the Goo Goo Dolls. (:

Jialin: Of course I do remember you! My ' sister ' and we still have a coffee date! (:

Angeline: Haha, not really. They're written in the heart language, you need to use your heart to feel them! Okay, I'm kidding. I don't know that you ever come here!

Elana: Hey there, artist-to-be! Thanks for the drawing ( it's really beautiful ) and the food you brought over on Thursday!

Jacqueline: Hello youuu. (:

Charmaine: Hey! Haha, I apologise that my tag board has caused you problems with its very stubborn black boxes. I'll fix it soon!

Evangeline: Haha, understand what? If it's the recent post, I think only a few do. But anyway, it's nothing big!

2006-12-31T23:25:00.000-08:00

the Closure & the Awakening

The first draft of the new year 2007 will be a long one. But I'd like to take a look back. Take a look at the year 2006; review myself, before I venture into the 17th year of my life.

Years ago, I've this concept that many a times, we (or maybe, just me) would always come to a point in life when I stop in my tracks, take a few sips of water and judge my surroundings. And looking at the map in hand, I would trace my previous steps and slapped my forehead. I would then realise an easier alternative upfront beats the one through the thorns I had chosen hands down. Alas, I should have taken that way. And the next time, you would find me looking up ahead first, learning from my wrong decisions in the past. I would grin and think. Hey man, you've grown smarter. Mature. Independent. Look at you.

As I walked for fifteen years, I always believe in my heart that every year, I've grown in my way of thinking and the way I place my priorities and choices in life are much more mature. But for the sixteenth year running, things were a little different.

The year 2006 was in a word, tough, for me. There were the usual ingredients that made the perfect recipe: Poor results, lacking of finances, family problems, dry spiritual periods, as well as the occasional heartaches. But as I've been lamenting for so often now, you'd probably get tired of reading all the shit I've been going though (and sometimes, not understanding a thing), shake your head and exclaim, " The guy is one heck of a depression case. " But if you really must know, I've been struggling in many more dark secrets never been revealed. Maybe that's human. That's the way we are. If you spent a little more time thinking, the person that you think you know so well could actually be a stranger to you. We are never who we actually are as we appear. Even if you insist you are you, there would be still some sort of deception unknown to yourself kept hidden, buried. That's the way things are, and I know that. And I know too, myself all too well. But I've never been able to rise above the choppy waters. I've just been digging and digging and digging. Digging a grave of my own in the year 2006.

I've grown more mature in 2006.
I'd be lying if I said that.

So as I continue walking, I'd come across a few travelers on the same road as me. We would chat about anything under the sun, laugh merrily, and raise beer bottles in the moonlight. But I was puzzled. These travelers would disappear mysteriously. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night. There would even be moments when I was droning on and on when I turned around, only to realise I'm the only living person in sight. But soon, I got used to it.

On other occasions, I'd stop by the roadside, plucking the wild roses of all sorts. The red ones, blues ones, even those that are as black as night, which are all the more alluring. But for one reason or another, from the rising dawn of the year to the falling dusk when the snow stopped falling, none of these roses were alive. Their petals wilted and peeled slowly but surely, and I'd be left with bloodied hands that so stubbornly held onto the thorned stem.

There were sticks and stones. Holes too. Not that it wasn't common for the first fifteen years. But there seemed to be twice the number, and of a size doubled in comparison. It was inevitable to trip over once or twice, and even harder to avoid the holes. So I tripped and fell multiple times. I was so bruised, so tattered.

It was as if some sinister force was at work, stealing the travelers from behind, burning the roses, and setting the various deadly traps along the way.

There was a voice. Sometimes in the back of my head, the other times an echo behind the hills. Someone was there, but it wasn't dark or anything like that. It was.. pure. And warm. I've heard it a couple of time in the past. But it was not like before, nothing was. It was so much softer this time. So faint that if you didn't strain your ears, you'd think you were hallucinating.

But for every start, there will be an end. In good time, the perilous journey would be over. And it is. A bell chimed. Fireworks exploded in the sky and cheers erupted. Happy new year! Happy new year! Men tossed their hats in the air, and women, well, they just screamed and yelled their heads off. And everyone was happy.

The towering clock in Times Square strikes twelve. A voice booms.

" Round 16 is over, will the contestant please make his way to Round 17? "

For me, I'm a happy boy. 2006 is finally over and the dust has settled. No two years would be the same and many people around me have been saying. " Hey boy, be more positive, look on the bright side of life ". ( Nike advertisement comes to mind ) Although no one would or could ever know my other dark side, I sincerely wish that 2007 would be a good year. I'll try to better to everyone, be more outgoing, or even open up more. But the future holds a secret we never know, and try as we might, we never know what would be coming up.

Thank you all, for the year 2006.
For the sweet, the sour and the bitter.

Happy New Year.

2006-12-27T22:13:00.000-08:00

Adore the Beautiful Haunting

So now. Settle back as the music play. A deflection in the wave, a slight ripple. Stir, and the calypso beat comes on slowly, the strings hum and vibrate. Let them be known, let the your soul scream, the ghost of you rip out. Settle as the breathing increase. Settle.. settle. And the riff plays a harmonic melody in the air, hanging in between your ears. Slowly.. slowly, and the tension dies down. And your soul calms, and you retreat back.

You sit and wonder how long this is ever going to last. The post-drug effect drums heavily. You're clinging on, stuggling. You see dots dancing. Give up.. give up. Let go.. The ghost moans, the grived and cursed wail bouncing back to you off the walls. You swing your arms wildly. You've lost control, you've lost control.

Stagger out. You peek over the cliff of decisions. Faces. Faces of your beloved. The loved ones. The lost. You see the movie play out, so fantasy-like. So.. surreal. You reach out. You find yourself falling. Falling. Maniac laughter. You wonder who it belongs to. You? The haunting ghost? Or them, the faces? But you do not have the answer. You scream.

The wind whistle in your ears. You find your body erasing itself, dissolving as you fall through the air. Is this the digital world? You've just been deleted. Wiped away. Where are you. Where are you.

You look around. This place. Where is it? Cold fear grips you. Your brain processes the surroundings. This place..

It's Earth. You stand alone. Fall to your knees. And weep. Weeping.. weeping as time passes you by.

2006-12-25T05:15:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas. (:

Jingling her keys, she swung open her front gate and stepped out into the cold, frosty night. Strolling down the pavement, she passed by a few houses, and snowmen with carroty noses waved at her with their stolid looking branches hands. A snow bunny scurried across the road. Walking on, carols filled the air, the high-pitched chorus providing the perfect ambience to the festive season. Fir trees stood in the yards of many a house, while from the chimney rose the smell of burning firewood. She looked up without really knowing why. Tiny flakes of snow danced in the air. It was a beautiful sight, which never could be compared to those scenarios caught and plastered behind postcards. A smile spread across her face. It was the Christmas joy. She moved on, and her face told of one in deep thought, yet nothing was running through her mind at all. A rickety sound from a distance switched her attention back on. A sleigh drawn by a dozen reindeers drifted into sight and landed on a nearby house, and a chubby man with snow-white beard clambered out of the snowsled, a red bag filled to the brim with delicate wrapping of gifts slung over his broad shoulders. She smiled again.

A few minutes later, she reached her destination. Stepping into the doorway, she caught a whiff of roasted turkey. Her hand found its way to the doorbell. The door opened, mistletoes dangled from above and candlelights glowed dimly in the background. She looked deep into his eyes. A moment frozen in time, their lips touched.

---

Love songs find their usual way back into my heart on this Christmas night that nears its magical end. I've a thought, a dream, of having to spend a white Christmas ten years from now with a family of my own. In a cabin, flames licking up from the firestove, children surrounding me, their bedtime storyteller. And soon, the lights in the living rooms dim as they make their way up to their beds, tired but happy. And you can see a car entering the woods, up a winding road and leading to a cliff.

We could sit there, yes, you and me. And we could watch as the city lights beneath us flicker out one by one.

2006-12-22T04:23:00.000-08:00

I hope this old train breaks down,
Then I could take a walk around.
And see what there is to see,
And time is just a melody.

The jade monster lumbered across the vast, empty desert. As if in a globe of sand being shaken once, twice and for all eternity, a sandstorm blew across the wasteland. The continous beating of particles against the beast peeled his flesh away step by step, in a bid to demolish the gigantic being, to strip him to his bares bones, and eventually, nothingless.

Spare a thought for Frankenstein, spare his feelings, spare them words.

The girl in the white labcoat waved frantically at the mob surrounding the green hulk towering behind her. "No, he means no harm to us! He.. " She stopped in her tracks as a stone flew past her shoulder and strike the creature she was trying to shield. Before she could yell out, scream out, or even utter a single word, sticks, bricks, everything found lying on the streets made their way in her direction, finding their target in the mammoth hulk.

The creature cowered for a few moments. But they were hurting her, hell, they were hurting him. He knew he could strike out, he knew all it needed was a swipe of his gigiantic palm, and they would be swatted away like flies. But he couldn't do it, something in him didn't want him to, that something that had kept those herculean hands to himself all this while.

He grabbed the woman by the waist, and leaped. Into the sky, towards the hills.

Inspired by: Frankenstein, The Hulk, Van Helsing.

Go on, try figuring that out. It isn't that hard to.
If you hadn't realise, words do kill.

And judging by the shards of broken friendships around me, it'd be a wonder to miss that out.

2006-12-20T08:04:00.000-08:00

A peek out of the burrow, and a dozen old friends out for a single night. Beyond words, just gratitude that sometimes I wonder where I'd be, where this play would be without them as the backstage crew behind. With all else forgotten and thrown to the wind, the past remained a place of escape, whilst smiling back at those silly 'ol days.

It's a little late but yes, I caught Spiderman 2 today. Which in my opinion, is a very wrong decision, with the show stirring up emotions of all kinds in me.

It's also more of what they call.. Tears-invoking.

If you question why, you should be an avid reader of the Spidey series to understand what our friendly neighbourhood Spiderman had to go through.

Which brings me to the point. It's tough enough being a comic character, what more an alive, breathing human experiencing cosmic reactions from all directions. Besides, I'm no Spiderman.

I'm tired, and I lack the inspiration to write. And to answer some questions about recent posts, they're part of my ' training ' as I try to find my way past the real world to the fiction. You could fish around those words too, who knows, there's a chance you may strike gold as you venture deeper into my world.

I'll continue another time, perhaps tomorrow.

2006-12-18T06:41:00.000-08:00

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.

A feral wolf guarding the female wolf with silk-like fur, parading the snow covered ground. A low growl emerging from behind those canine teeth, a warning sign so clear, so deadly. But a howl rose above the stinging wind, and reality sinks in. The wolf wimpered bitterly, and pawed the snow reluctantly. Then, turning its back, it traced its steps slowly back to its nest.

You could see the eyes of the proud grey wolf, a shadowed grey pair that gleamed in the blue moonlight, a silvery drop of tear fizzling in the snow. Its sleek and beautiful body disappearing into the horizon, and when it would ever return remained a mystery left uncovered.

So silently, the warmth of love burns within.

2006-12-17T02:54:00.000-08:00

Beneath the rafters the angels sing,
Spinning violence and playing with my heart.

Some have seen rainbows after dark clouds, but have any seen dark clouds behind rainbows, waiting to erupt? What is this place, where skies and the seas exchange places at the slight snap of fingers. Have you heard your own words, your own mind, your own heart? The desires to please and to care morph into bricks that built the stone-cold bridge cemented between two banks of a river.

As always, life never fails to twist at the very last moment, and twist it did, for it always has an edge over you. Two minutes ago, a similar phonecall, (this time not too much as that of an angel's), brought news that crumbled my world into tiny pieces. Try as I might, dear 'ol fate interrupted, not surprisingly but still shocking enough to turn this place into an ugly grey. Like a shagged, starved animal that chanced upon a meat, who could blame it when it pounced in a lightning quick movement, only for it to disappear under its paw mysteriously. The agony prolonged, the seemingly existence of food was but only a hallucination. Or is it so?

The moment the dices were flinged onto the board, the quest for the finishing line gets further as you move your game piece up every block. Like I say, sticks and stones break just my bones, but twists and turns do break this soul.

2006-12-15T05:15:00.000-08:00

... a stone, a leaf, an unfound door; of a leaf, a stone, a door. And of all the forgotten faces.

Naked and alone we came into exile. In her dark womb, we did not know our mother's face; from the prison of her flesh have we come into the unspeakable and incommunicable prison of this earth.

Which of us has known his brother? Which of us has looked into his father's heart? Which of us has not remained forever prison-pent? Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone?

... O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.

Thomas Wolfe

Look Homeward, Angel

My phone vibrations brought about an unexpected call from heaven, an ordinary voice resembled an angel's voice, bringing home the good news that what was desired had been clinched and it couldn't have come at a better time. And for a single moment, this place isn't all that dark and cold and lonely after all.

But one moment in time isn't enough to melt the solid ice dagger that had pierced that rose red, beautiful heart. A sudden rise of temperature, it beated; but the icy wind that howled in the far distance calmed all that down. And it remained, like before, warm blood froze into icicles of life.

2006-12-11T05:40:00.000-08:00

Sunday morning rain is falling,
Steal some covers share some skin.
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable,
You twist to fit the mould that I am in.

The days crawled by, slowly but surely, and despite it, like a speeding bullet, Christmas is knocking our front doors yet again. So hello Mr Santa Claus, park those reindeers up on top of the roof, the snow's cleared for them and you may come in for a mug of hot chocolate.

Lady Luck was here today, and hardly believable when Cafe Cartel's manager gave my job prospects a boost by claiming I stand a high chance. But who knows, maybe Fate's playing an early April Fool (abeit a 'lil too early) joke on me. Lonliness's been my best buddy for a while now, and he's pretty much stuck on me unless he decides to pack himself into a box and send himself to the Amzaon where the sun shines through canopies of rainforests, while snow falls on our sunny island. Now, how's that for a X'mas gift?

I had an interesting day today. Or you can say the best company in a long, long while, haha. Well, I am happy partly because my hopes are raised, and partly because I had company, a smile and a sunny day. Life's been cruel lately, where everything seemed in place but you know in your heart that they're not, where gaping holes beckon to be filled up and where this place's been thrash-filled to the brim with my non-existent problems.

That someday it'll lead me back to you.
That someday it'll lead me back to you.

2006-12-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

Fight the fight alone,
When the world is full of victims.
Dims a fading light,
In our souls.

"How you doing, my friend? Oh hey there, SSDD. How 'bout you?"

"Right back atcha. SSDD."

How right that phrase is, how absolutely right. And here I was searching for a way to describe my holidays, and there you have it. SSDD.

Been reading this book titled "Dreamcatcher" and I don't know how to describe it, cause there'd be a million ways to. So I'll skip the description part, and when I do finish the book, I'll just give it a rating of some sort. One thing about the book would be that phrase you've got up there, something which is currently very applicable.

I caught Step Up with my old friends on Monday, namely those from my ex-primary school. It's still a wonder that we keep in touch, much less go out together still and I'm glad of it.

Step Up is a wonderful movie, surreal and yet realistic. Like a dream motioned together in the real world, it was what I had dared dream of a few months back. It'd be beautiful to choreograph dance steps together with your life partner, performing together with him/her on life biggest stage. I know, yeah, imagine me dancing and you'd probably laugh your ass off but I really thought of trying to pick up this form of art. Because of a certain someone, I had dreamt, and because of a certain someone, this dream, it was short-lived.

So anyway, Step Up was worth the seven bucks I paid for it. Being the rock/metal-hungry guy that I am, hip-hop appealed to me for once. Maybe it's the blues setting in, so I'll take whatever that comes at me. I really like Tyler Gage alot, and I love his hometown, where you have all the alleys and backyard courts. It's sort of the life I want to live right now (besides the cabin in the woods), where life is lonesome and there's just one good buddy of yours and you're shooting hoops all day long. And like a dream come true, you're able to fulfill doing what you're good at and poof!, the girl of your life appears just like that, the end, curtains down, round of applause.

Oh, by the way,
Happy Birthday, Junle.

Went looking for jobs in three places today and with the cursed luck that had been bugging me this few weeks, it was no surprise I ended with more application forms and zilch calls. Tomorrow, I'm going to once again drag myself out the house to look for dumb jobs that never do exist, for whatever reason, beats me too.

Yeah man. Same shit, different day.

Replies to tags:

Fiona: Hey there, I do hope you come back soon even though you won't see this. Haha, I badly need to talk to you.

Deborah: Hey hello. So I guess communication's cut for the rest of december? Aww. ):

Sarah: Oh, now I know. By the way, which Sarah are you?

2006-12-01T04:36:00.000-08:00

So what's the matter with you?
Sing me something new.
Don't you know the cold and wind and rain don't know.
They only seem to come and go away.

Happy Birthday, Liwen! (:
I know you have many picks, but that one is different. It's a magic pick! (: Look at it on the darkest nights when you feel sad and you'll see how it stands out. Haha, my gift is nothing much but it came from the heart. Stay small and happy!

Hello world. I have to clarify something, my world is getting way too boring for my comfort and- Hold on.

Okay back. For some reason or another, fireworks appeared in the sky at 8.44 p.m near redhill road. I love fireworks, especially those that linger in the skies and fall down like golden rain droplets. (:

Like I was saying, life's getting too uninteresting. I need some heart-pumping action, like escaping from monstous teachers and venturing into the lions' dens. And I'm derived of a irreplaceable pleasure in life- songs. ): Being the very paranoid guy that I am, I'm afraid that the police would come a-knocking if I got tempted into downloading the many songs that I need now. Therefore, I want to conclude that I'm a very nice and law-abiding boy, but I'm dying soon, so someone call the hospital quick.

Picked up a new book at the library yesterday. It's been very long since I've actually immerse myself in a book and I've finally got the chance to do so now, in the holidays. I was thinking, one day, I could become a writer if I couldn't make it as a journalist. Haha, but it's far-fetched, isn't it? Imagine < Insert Title >, Author: Yours truly. Pretty weird, huh? How many Singapore writers made it out there anyway?

I'm glad that Manchester United has gotten Henrik Larrson on loan. He's a really great professional, and he is very similar to Dennis Bergkamp in my opinion, and even Alan Shearer. I just hope some of his experience rubs off on the younger players. I cannot wait for the January transfer window, but that would mean school would have already begun and I'm not too excited about that.

Everyone should have prom and graduation nights. It is the time when people are the most pretty and when the inner self of everyone shines out. I've seen so many pictures of different people from different schools, and one thing that I find in common is that everyone looks simply breath-taking. (: I can't wait for my own graduation night, two years down the road, but there's a tinge of regret that I'm unable to savour the taste of a night out, looking at the red moon and swirling red wine in sparkling glass.

Stand by me,
Nobody knows the way it's gonna be.

Loneliness knows me by name. The truth speaks for itself.

2006-11-28T07:56:00.000-08:00

A silver lining sometimes isn't enough,
To make some wrongs seem right.

Once again, the disappearance of an all too familiar figure from the work place sparked concerns and doubts over my job. Do I continue, or do I get into the hunt all over again? So it's been two days and counting. Where do I go from here, and I've wondered that for nights.

The night sky is exceptionally beautiful today. It's been quite a while since I've been able to lie down and look up into the endless blue. Surrounded by towering buildings, maybe that's where I should be, far away from the city lights.

Whatever life brings,
I've been through everything.
And now I'm on my knees again.

Yeah, I'm thinking of retiring way before I even started my working life. Pretty cool, huh?

People have been all over the place, all over the world. Some things are moving way too fast, the world is revolving beneath us. Sometimes, it's better to slow down and let the world catch up with you.

Children, don't stop dancing.
Believe you can fly.
Away.. Away.

But I had fun today.

2006-11-25T08:49:00.000-08:00

Taking on seven years,
The holy ghost had left alone.
Test my arms, kick like crazy.
I've been trying way too long.

Okay bad news, I guess the past week had been spent in vain trying to add some stacks of notes to my increasingly tight wallet. I'll have to try and clinch a deal or damn, exit is the only way out. Ah, so a repetition of my previous concerns is back on the books.

Side track: Manchester United is so gonna kick some ass tomorrow.

Only push the way off to fight you,
Now I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm not sure.

I think I'll spend two or three hours planning out the last month of holidays I have, much like what I did with the decision planning of my future studies. Hell, I need to scrimp and save like some sort of madman in order to get myself out of this whole mess. And no, it isn't gambling for I'm an honest man. (:

I'll do my best to try and win something with my mediocre skills tomorrow, against the likes of cold-hearted giants that refuse to make way for us poor dwarfs. ):

Actually, I've got nothing to blog now, haha. I think I'm damn bored and I just finished playing neopets. Don't laugh, neopets is an interactive game who teaches pet owners to be more responsible.

And that virtual pets never dies, despite not being fed for three months. (:

Getting off my chest,
The story ends.

Replies to tags:

Evangeline: Hello, how have you been. I see you've been busy with gathering up the world's left-handers and coming up with evil plans.

Polly: No, haha. I'm currently watching Bleach! I'll request to be your neofriend soon, hoho.

Liyun: Hey hello. Yeah, it's by one of my more favourite bands.

Deborah: EH, ARE YOU BACK? I didn't know! We've got plenty to catch up, y'know? Don't leave Singapore that soon now that you're back!

2006-11-22T01:48:00.000-08:00

Town's out. Vivo is the new cool.

On our beloved tiny, sunny island somewhere on the globe, the birth of a new landmark had come forth. Millions of people had set foot on this place already. There are only two options for all visitors. One, the minute you step in, you get pushed out. And two, the minute you step in, you'll never get out.

Haha, it's funny to note that the word 'vivo' is the word that hangs around everyone's lips now. I guess it's the place to be, since it's new and as everyone describes, " damn big ". Thankfully, I wasn't the only one who got lost in there. Well, the sad thing is, I've a hunch shopkeepers in town are sobbing along the streets.

Does this mark the birth of our very first ' ghost town ' ? :D

2006-11-19T05:31:00.000-08:00

The fire fades away,
Most of everyday,
Is full of tired excuses.

I just woke up so I'm feeling a little hangover. :D

Been experiencing recent cash flow problems, and I desperately need a job to survive on. Despite me saying that, I haven't actually went out to look for one anyway. Either that or I'm too picky, I want a job where there are many other part timers like me. Haha, can't blame me, I had my fair share of boring working hours the other time. But okay, reality is a sad situation. I'll be a good boy and look for work in a week's time.

How true is it that things look all the more pretty when you can't afford them?

But it's too hard to say,
I wish it were simple.
But we give up easily,
You're close enough to see that.

Anyway, post-exams have been good. I've been getting more regular sleep lately, and now I know why they say the human body is capable of more then just lacking sleep. It's one heck of a machine. You can stay up every night and get ugly eye bags, then sleep one night and wake up raring to go. Amazing, really.

Okay this goes out to Nicolette Ng Zining who actually thought I was ignoring her in the midst of exams. Well, no I still treasure you, you silly thing. I don't mind being the last always, haha. But you can bet you aren't to me.

It's so quiet around here it's actually beautiful. So here I am, sitting at the crossroads of my life surrounded by fields of sunflower and roses, the wind ruffling my hair as I play songs that make sense to just me and my flower friends.

It's such an emo night. The time's just about right and the songs are playing to my heart's content. I love my playlist. :D

You're the other side of the world to me.

2006-11-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

Wha'd ya know, O's are over. Just. Like. That.

It was really okay for most of the papers. And well, the greatest disappointment would chemistry and probably emaths. Yeah, I still can't do the dumb 3D question.

The past months was really a truamatic period for me; to get over the disappointment of the prelims and aim to silence all my critics. I'd say, the critics may well be silenced but hey, I hope this nagging feeling about not making it into a good JC doesn't come true. So welcome to the blog of a typical Singaporean teenager over-loaded with worries over results.

Actually, the second the last paper ended, I wasn't filled with as much relief as I thought I would feel. Maybe it's because of how I somehow fumbled over the last hurdle, or it could be that after countless nights studing up late (and it really was late), it had fitted inself comfortably into my life scheldue. Which kinda explains why I'm up this late blogging, despite having a grand total of four and a half hours of sleep in two days. Well well, looks can be a deception.

I realised I can't really do without blogging, since I expressed myself more clearly in written language than verbally. So much thoughts, but so little people to relate to. If there's a chance to, you'll be surprised how "constrained" I hold myself in the real world, with all these emotions swirling around.

Therefore, the reason behind this recent revival is presented right before you. (:

Now that exams are over, there's so much I want to do. Language courses, new skills and opening up more to people and befriending them in the process. I'll do what I can to salvage what I left behind before the exmas, and yeah, hopefully, you'll see a 'new' me.

I've got some plans in the upcoming holidays which most probably include the first three months of next year. For one, I'll strive harder to improve on my guitar. And, I wonder where I could take French lessons.

Well, like what yixuan said, there's time to concentrate on youtube now. I'm an anime freak, I bet you don't know that too.

2006-11-08T01:08:00.000-08:00

Coming down the world turned over.
And angels fall without you there.
And I go on as you get colder.
Or are you someone's prayer?

2006-09-29T10:29:00.001-07:00

What would you say, if I ask you not to go.

To forget everyone, forget everything, and start over with me.

Would you take my hand, and never let me go.

Promise me you'll never let me go.

This would be the last post for a long, long while.

For the next one month, I have only one priority. And that is,
To deal once and for all, with the curse of the O's levels.

Yes, it's a major boost to have a new studying environment exactly a month away from the run-in to a deciding end of a chapter in my life. It's even more comforting to know that the computer would not be in my room, and my lazy bones screams out inconvenience in block letters. 3/4 of thrash accumulated over the past 2 years have been dumped into the dump, leaving behind a stack of notes worth touching on. With the drive of a potentially heartbreaking prelims, I hope the ghost of failure finally do perish.

House-moving is one of the reasons behind the temporary/permanent closure of this blog. Memories aren't too far a step behind. Yeah, penguins are drawing the emo streak out of me.

Yes, I'm a depressed emo kid who can't wait to slit my wrist.

I do need time. For what, I have no idea. There's just this senseless feeling of being lost in a maze, as if my life's been missing something, and there's a gaping wide hole right through my soul. Funny that this absence feels strangely familiar, as in it had been with me for a long time. A long, long time..

So, I'll depart from this blog in a more dignified way.

Goodbye, folks. Goodbye, penguins. Goodbye, world.

2006-09-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

On the way home,
This car hears my confessions.
I think I'll take the long way home.

I'm seriously pissed with the radio. Annonymous songs that I used to listen to are being overplayed and it's freaking spoiling the damn song. What was to be a love ballad is now without meaning; like a rose without petals. For heaven's sake, let them pretty things live.

Okay, I shall do my part as a true blogger.

Starting from Friday, I had absolute fun with two diferent groups of friends, that is, N293 and my previous Secondary 1 and 2 class. It was interesting to note that during the trip to East Coast with N293 (which consisted of mostly girls), the atmosphere was so much different from that of my old class's annual barbeque. Imagine the air filled with giggles and laughters, to one filled with that of dark metal music throbbing in the air. Imagine the people in N293 playing strange, funny games and laughing at one another, to that of a group of rowdy boys playing soccer and trying out tricks on one another, with shouts of "Yes!" and groans in the air. Imagine me trying to be a good, good boy in east coast, talking not too little, not too much, and when I was at Steven's, laughing and making fun of my fellow old classmates.

Yes, it was THAT much of a difference, but what was common was: The company is loveee. <3

(By the way, my score with my old 'rival' Albert is 3-0, yes, let me gloat about it. I nutmegged him three times, heehee.)

And this damp air,
It's fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious,
And fog this tinted glass.

Okay, next was Saturday. Had a whole lot of plans drawn out beforehand, but when the actual day came, I just went for cell group hahaha. Cell group was combined, and as usual, games, messages, and fellowship. Played more games related to the mooncake festival afterwards, and taught Jacqueline a teeny weeny bit of "More Than Words".

Other than church on Sunday, the other amusing thing that happened was the quiz-mania that happened at night. I sent a quiz to some people, and very soon, lots more came back to me, so much so that my computer hung under too much pressure. Fun fun fun. :D

And it's clouded.
And so is my head.

And yes, today! Went out with old schoolmates from GESPS and watched "John Tucker Must Die". I'd admit it's worth 7 bucks, but not one cent more. John Tucker's pretty cute actually, haha. I bet if sucha person really exists, the queue for him would have existed too. And I have the song the other Tucker brother sang, haha! Okay, had lunch and bowled at Kim Seng after that.

There you are, what happened the past few days. I'm alive and well, and despite getting quite a disappointing result for English, it wasn't as bad as I had thought it'd be. Now now, I had better be a good boy and touched on a little bit of books.

The hint of these new tears are sharp,
And I try to choke them back.
But it's useless,
I'm useless against them.

I'm apologetic that my posts lack appeal now, haha. I'm sorry, must be the revision. Or the weather. Or the keyboard. Maybe the computer? No no, of course it isn't me. :D

Okay, my dear blog. I'm thinking of shutting you down, really, really soon. If the audience have objections, please don't sue me for murder.

They're beating me with ease.

2006-09-19T01:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday. (:

It's been one heck of a year.

Thank you for all those messages.
Thank you for that little surprise in cell group.
Thank you for the cards, and the chocolate and the candies.
Thank you for the warmth of a family.

Thank you for going through two years of my life.
Thank you for being listening ears.
Thank you for treating me like a brother.
Thank you for the fun we've had.

Thank you for less quarrels.
Thank you for providing funds for my little gift.
Thank you for being a family despite everything.
Thank you for the chance to be a big brother in this household.

Thank you for giving a whole new lesson on love.
Thank you for making me feel loved, even if it didn't last.
Thank you for being yourself.
Thank you for the memories.

Thank You for the blessings in life.
Thank You for guiding me through ups and downs.
Thank You for the miracles You've worked.
Thank You for your undying love, and for the family I have.

Thank you for the love.

---

I carry the things that remind me of you.
In loving memory of,
The one that was so true.
You were as kind as you could be.
And even though you're gone,
You still mean the world to me.

And I know, you're a part of me.
And it's your song, that sets me free.
I sing it while, I feel I can't hold on.
I sing tonight, cause it comforts me.

<3

2006-09-17T04:25:00.000-07:00

And will you tell all your friends,
You've got your gun to my head.
This all was only wishful thinking,
This all was only wishing thinking.

This whole week was really one of the worst periods in life that I had to go through. The disappointment of exams that followed after hard work was hard to swallow. Fatigue burns through the night, waves of hot and cold swirl unseen throughout my body, threatening to wreck havoc. I pull through, alive, but the wounds are deep, scars are inevitable.

What could have been worse?

I lost my wallet today. I had woken up late, and had flew through the streets to the MRT, in relief that I would be late, but not too late. But it hit me when I realise my wallet wasn't with me at Expo. It was then voices of despair spoke, as if to ask whether this was worth it for church. For one Sunday service, I had rushed like there was no tomorrow, all the way down only to find my wallet missing. Those voices, they rang clear in my mind as I walked the lonely road down to Expo Hall 8, and my steps echoed my thoughts.

I found my wallet in the end. It was found in Redhill station, some kind soul returned it to the counter. Before I found it, I was praying hard throughout service, that I would be able to find it today, that my phone would ring and a voice would announce that m wallet had been found. But disappointment lasted the whole service. So I took the train home, my mood was so low I was in the pits.

From the entire service right to the end of the train ride, there was a battle raging throughout my head. That of the devil's, growling and grunting how much church had cost me, how dumb I was, and whether everything was worth what it was now. The second was my voice, torn between whether to give in to the fact that my wallet was gone, or to trust in the Lord. And through the train ride home, I was so pissed at the voice of the devil that I cursed under my breath, and that if this was a game, I'd play through to the end. If my life was to be so miserable now, so be it.

And the third? It was a whisper; a hush, silent whisper, like a faint, gentle howling of the wind through the forest in my ears. "Everything is gonna be alright. Trust me."

Amidst the frustrations, the whisper's was the most silent of the three sides in the battle of the mind. Yet the strength of gentleness swept away brute force of toughness. I got my wallet back in the end, and I had promised before that that if it was found, every single cent is going to offerings next week.

I was so relieved, glad, overjoyed, you name it. My wallet had my IC, and my Ez-link, and my plans of getting a little something for myself would be ruined if I had to have them replaced. What's worse was that if Mum found out, I'd be dead meat, shred and fed to the dogs. I hadn't got permission to leave the house and if this was to happen, that would be the end of me. And most importantly, some of the things in my wallet can never be replaced. A card I received from a special someone on my 12th birthday, my old, yellow and tattered identifiation card of my childhood days, movie ticket of one of the most touching shows I've watched- Click, as well as a receipt from Gelare that contain deep memories of what was before. Such things can never be replaced, they'll be kept close in my heart for ever and ever, and I'm thankful beyond words that my wallet is safely in my hands again.

I shall give all the glory to my God. (:

PS: To some of the people who were unlucky enough to experience a moody me, I apologise from the bottom of my heart. People like Jeffrey and Junle, the latter having to endure some harsh words while on the train back home, Anna who gave me chocolates for encouragement- Thank YOU! (: I love it and I love you as my cell group leader!, Nicolette Ng for a sweet birthday note- Thank you so much, I know my smile wasn't wide enough just now. I promise I'll smile widely at you next time!, Tingzhi, whom I met on the way out of church- I'm sorry I couldn't muster a smile since I was dow in the dumps then, Partner whom I met on the way back- I was listening to you conversing and haha, you made me smile a little from of the way you talk. Thank you! (: , and of course, my dear 'ol N293/N330.

I'll blog again really, really soon. :D

2006-09-11T01:30:00.000-07:00

Monday:
(Emaths Paper 1 & Social Studies)

Why, hello blog. Emaths and Social Studies weren't too bad, but it weren't too good too. Let's just say I made tons of careless, useless mistakes I shouldn't have made and I missed out on a point in the essay. Practically dragged myself home, with the questions swirling all around my head, the "what if-s?" I had done this and that, and the news that I'll have to fork out extra money to get myself a damn phone. Yeah, tough luck, there goes nearly one half of the money I saved over two months. The rain wasn't helping alot, but it did helped to dampen my day even more. I guess I'll take each day as it comes. Toldcha, I haven't got high hopes for prelims despite studying my ass for every night for the past weeks.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't the weakest in academics among them all. Never felt like that during primary school days. In fact, every major exams were a major breeze for me. Haha, this ain't no breeze now, any 'ol exam paper can sweep me off my feet anytime.

How ya doing in the igloo, penguins? I'll come by every day of this week to blog about exams and how screwed I'm going to get. Yes, and offer you some company. (:

Well, I'm not too excited about tomorrow. Time for Operation-Save-Our-Chemistry.

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Tuesday:
(Chemistry Paper 1 & 2)

Just like I thought, I messed up my Chemistry today. I've no one to blame but myself since I chose Physics over Chemistry during the past weeks. But I realise Chemistry is actually easier than Physics as it's just basics memorising skills. So yeah, regrets over regrets. Now it's a do-or-die with Physics.

So I put on a sullen mood today, as the others compared answers excitedly at one corner. Even with the distance seperating us, I still hear unfamiliar chemical names and answer rising above the crowd, with shouts of triumps and relief. And I was there cursing hard that what they considered easy was what I had racked my brains hard over for. For thirty minutes, I sat there and stared into empty space, contemplating over my level of stupidity.

But at least, I've set my sights on getting my Chemistry back on track after this prelims. As much as I hate to say it, finding a JC for the first three months seem further and further a dream.

Thought I heard a faint consolation in my ears on the bus ride home, about how things will end up just fine. Then again, I could be hearing things.

Next up, Geography Elective.

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Wednesday
(Geography & Chinese Paper 1)

Okay, Geography wouldn't be so screwed had I not missed out on one picture and there goes half of the ten marks for a question. And there I was wondering how little information they gave for a ten marks question when the answer was right in front of me. No idea how well I did, but neither am I in the mood to figure that out.

I'll get through this as quickly as possible.

Anyway, Chinese Paper 1 was resonably well, but considering the previous papers before it, high hopes aren't a possibility. Slowly but surely, exams are entering their climax since we're halfway through them. So I'll do my best for A-Maths tomorrow, grab some afternoon sleep, and stay up for one last night.

I'll learn "In Loving Memory" soon.

For now, Alter Bridge and Finch are the top of my playlist. Weird combination but I couldn't care less.

Haha, I'm told to reply my tags. Okay, hello to the people who still visits this place once in a while. Your visit is greatly appreciated and I hope you derive joy from reading my blog. (despite it being kind of depressing at times) And yes, I'm done replying.

I'll reply more constructivly next time with content. A-maths is flooding my mind now. Yeah, and fatigue too.

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Thursday
(Amaths Paper 1)

Went to school. Sat for paper. Screwed everything up. Went home. Crestfallen. Slept.

And the sun rose, yet the rays were dark.

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Friday
(Physics Paer 1 & 2)

Physics was a bitch; I swear I would have plunge a knife into its heart if the opportunity presented itself.

And feast my eyes on the venomous blood that flow especially thick out of damnit Paper 2.

Can't wait for this period of my life to end. The earlier, the better. It's torturous to watch time tick by as you scramble over the questions that determine three months of your future. Right now, I need some sleep that's been lacking for a week now. It'll be over soon. Before the nightmare repeats its vicious cycle all over again.

I dread what is to be two weeks from now.

2006-09-06T07:20:00.000-07:00

I'll miss you,
I'll kiss you,
Give you my coat when you are cold.

Haha, I stole this song from Singapore Idol cause it sounded kind of sweet. But still, I rather the Jonathan guy over Paul.

Okay yay, I got tons of new clothes and new songs. Everything's brand new, I'll even have a new home! Is that cool or what. (: I'm a happy kid cause except for academics, I'm coping fine. Even without the absence of some things.. But it's okay! Anyway, music makes the world go round!

I saw Kelly today while rushing to school! And met Qixin the other day at the train station! Okay, I guess Singapore's pretty small. Anyway, either life's revolving ahead of scheldule or everyone's growing up too fast. Haha, but thank God it's just the looks and the heights and all. The people are still the same. <3

Need you,
Feed you,
Even let you hold the remote control.

Right, back to the study table. Pretty much given up hope of acheiving an under-15 points score for prelims so I'll just let everything else flow as per normal. Pray for the best, then keep working towards O's. Okay, bye world.

2006-09-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

In tribute to one of the truly great men on this earth:

Iconic Aussie wildlife daredevil Steve Irwin has died as he loved living: seeking out the world's most dangerous and exotic creatures in their own domain.

For me, Steve Irwin was someone I watched since I was in my primary school days. I remembered watching it with dad on the sofa and with a wide-eyed expression, asking the question millions had asked before me: Is this man invincible or what?

It's not so much as the world missing out on the entertainment this man provides. Yes, he entertains and he entertains well. But it is his passion for wildlife; the animals and reptiles, not forgetting the crocodiles that he never once feared, that made me look up to this man. His enthusiasm was the reason behind his success on national tv. He's someone proud about his job, and he lets his actions do most of the talking. What amazes me most was the way he gets up close to the reptiles with no hint of fear in his eyes, and that to a little kid meant that he is one alive and breathing superhero.

A few years down the road, and out of the blue, disaster struck. Just when everything was going smoothly, something had to happen. It taught me how fragile life is. It taught me that nothing can be taken for granted. Most importantly, it showed that bad things do happen to good people, and most of the time, it's the most unfair of things.

Steve Irwin, a legend and icon in the field he worked in, had passed away.

But he died, as he had loved living. And he left behind a legacy of his own.

Do rest in peace, for you'll always be in our hearts. And yes, the crocodiles' too.

2006-08-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to begin.
I don't know how to get out there, to see you.
I don't know where to dig in.
I don't know how to get in there, to feel you.

Well, since I'm the first to get back after church service, I might as well steal some time to come online and blog a quick post. Service isn't too bad, just that it didn't quite make any sense to me since it doesn't apply to me. The only time I felt the atmosphere changed to a love-filled one was when all the couples embraced/kissed. Haha, damn sweet. (:

Okay, next paper- English Paper 1 & 2. Hope to do well and as always, I pray hard there would be inspiration for my essay. I'm keeping faith in my simple manipulating of words, and attempt to conjure up some never seen before words, and hope I hit the jackpot of 24 points. Comprehension wise, I hope don't too badly, but.. I have faith. Nervous, yes. But still, faith over anxiety. :D

Something that I noticed: 3/4 of the class are undergoing secret 'training', all going for emergency tuition, and paying full attention in class these days. I guess if I want to be in front, I need to work twice as hard as I'm working now. Still hope for 15 or less for prelims, and then half of that for O's. Great aspirations, but what I confess is what I get.

I heard of what happened, so if in any case you still come by this place once in a while, don't get too upset. Maybe you've heard that once too often but yeah, the distance between us now makes it impossible for me to do anything more than saying that. But you know, one failure doesn't mean a lifetime of failure. And anyway, I suppose you didn't do too badly? You'll clinch first place soon enough, I believe. (:

2006-08-21T05:28:00.000-07:00

Cause you don't need nobody to make it on your own,
You don't need nobody, you'd rather be alone.

Haha, yeah true. There's no need for anyone, loneliness is the best remedy.

I'd say that this week hadn't been the best, but service made up for it. (:

I'm a self-declared fan of Dr. A.R Bernard, a man who I've never heard before prior to sunday. Snuggling back into my seat as I prepared for the usual message of the weekly service, I did not have the slightest hint that I'll be hearing the most impactful message of my life. It's as if he was using my entire life as the example onstage, and slowly covering the little parts of my life, pointing out the small little mistakes that lead to the current state I'm living in. Throughout the entire service, I was struggling to keep up with the pace of his message, which led to a record breaking 7-pages notes. The essence of his words was something that I had never experienced before. And that face, when he looked at the crowd saying, "When I impart my knowledge to you, it's in the hope of you imparting it to others, and others imparting it to the rest of the word." was a face that made the lightings in the hall look dim. He, was a truly special speaker.

The patterns in life was something I had never thought of. The mistake of skipping stages when getting to know someone and developing that relationship was something that I was guilty of. What was equally true was that I had never looked all the way back that it's my mindset and the knowledge that I had that was affecting my self-esteem, and more importantly, my successes and failures. I would not elaborate further, since my life is hugely different compared to many others, but one thing's for sure, that 7-pages are my recently taken up manuel for steering my life the right way.

Studied with Eve, Ethel and another of their friend after service. Finished combinations & permutations as well as linear law. So all I'm left with now is the relative velocity and intergration of velocity. But I'm moving on to physics, and I really hope I don't get too stressed up now. Three more weeks, with english prelims and science practicals caught in between. In a way, I hope time would pass more quickly, in hope of ending this constant late night studying that I'm undergoing, but at the same time, wishing that I had more time to revise on all my work. Gah, secondary 4 life.

On a lighter note, I've decided to save all my money up for a post-examinations shopping spree. :D I realised it makes me feel empty after I spend money on one or two shirts, and I go back home unsatisfied. I'm gonna spend all at one go! I can't wait, but oh no. What happens if I head down to get myself a mp3 player or another guitar. Then no more clothes. ): No no no, self control.

Is it me, or do I sound like.. a girl?!

Okay, next up, physics!

Replies to tags:

Hello Sandy! Thanks for accompanying me down to the eye clinic that day. Thank you too, Fiona! I hope you're reading this, cause I'm very grateful for the company! (:

Sarah and Felicia! (: Thanks for the encouragements, don't worry, I'll cope! (:

Partner, youuu. You said you wouldn't be complex around me! Haha, keep your word! Glad to see you this week, and you know, we need a lengthly conversation sooooon! (:

Edit-

Oh oh! Manchester United won 5-1 yesterday! <3

2006-08-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

Happy belated 100th post.

So I've posted a century of posts ever since I started blogging, and yes, looking back, I've grown much. It wasn't so much as how I develop my thoughts, but rather, the amount of knowledge I have aquired over the past years. And I can safely say that I've matured quite a bit since my first days of secondary school years.

Even though I've come to make a habit out of pretending to be clueless at many situations/circumstances in certain stages of my life, I wasn't trying to run away or escape from anything at all. The reason is actually simple- that I refused to be sucked into the vortex of this harsh reality we're living in, and I prefered to lie deep, immersed in my very own thoughts. However, my way of handling my life are suffering from side effects clearly visible now. It's like taking drugs, I've gotten so used to dwelling in the hidden that it's been too frequent a place to be in these days. I guess there's a negative side to everything; the balance of life require positive and negative forces to cancel out each other. So I've exchanged the cruelty of truths for the relaxation of self-denials. And like quicksand, it's never-ending, and before I know it, I'd have been engulfed.

But given the chance to choose again, I'd have chosen the latter, still.

I guess it's like how the old saying goes, "Once bitten, twice shy." The many episodes and brushes with the lives of people that walk in and out of my life taught me there's no such thing as everlasting. Friction wears down the soles of our shoes, time wears out the bond of 'friendship'. As we build continuous bonds over and over again, a certain reaction will still take place, and a certain element/compound will disappear. If we look carefully, we can see the building blocks of life.. the toppling and the building.

Some people told me once, that the way I look at things are too negative, that I'll never be happy this way. Well, I can't argue with the former, but I beg to differ with the second part. I've experience great joys in this world, simple things like having a go at my friend's ego, or even a simple game of basketball. I've been happy, and yes, I've my downs too. But just like one of the messages in cell group goes, no one is without their valleys, and my valleys hardly strike a link with my way of thought. How I think and feel had not brought about more depressions than before, neither did it bring along more joys. What mattered was that I have a place to run away to, a secret world where I could talk and play with imaginaary friends, without worries, without constant pressure of the spinning globe of blue and green.

Or if you look at it in another way, you find it strangely familiar to the world.. of a little child.

A place where a lollipop meant the world to him, where tedious studies find no place in his heart. A place where he has imaginary friends, where he shapes the image of his perfect playmate exactly like how he wants them, to be like. Houses made of mouth-watering biscuit? Rivers of flowing dark chocolate? Isn't it uncanny that this place sound so much like paradise, & so much like heaven.

The gap between the living world and paradise, is but a single thought. (:

2006-08-14T05:52:00.000-07:00

The storm's bad tonight,
So how could I awake without you here?
Your picture's on the wall,
You haven't called,
But I'll wait for you.

Yay, Finch's my new love. Okay, yes, I've gotten over the disappointment and I'm out of the dumps. Thank you all for those encouragements and those attempts to make me smile or laugh, but sadly, it didn't work much. That result can't be changed, so.. I'll just let that scar remain and hope to erase it when the opportunity comes knocking again.

Grr, my throat's hoarse from shouting at mum's naggings. Oh yes, I postponed today's appointment with the eye doctor, I don't have to go to hospital alone. :D I don't want to, cause the hospital's a scary place, and I don't want to go alone. ): Yay, I hope I can postpone and postpone and postpone till next year. :D

The storm is letting up,
But it won't die.
If you weren't wrong, was I?
Your picture still remains,
But I wonder are you still the same?

Amaths is 3/4 done, so I'mma start on physics anytime soon. Life's been a bitch these days, but it can't be helped. It's been struggle after struggle, and since everything crashes down all the time when things seemed to be in place, I'm amazed I'm alive and breathing.

If I could ever leave this place, I would. (:

Thank you, Karen & Annabeth. (:

And yes, thank you, Kelly!
If only you apply those words into your life too. :D Okay, get well sooooon, girl! (:

2006-08-11T00:29:00.000-07:00

10 points for O's? Don't make me laugh. You think too highly of yourself, hansheng.

Wake the hell up, look at your damn result.

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Isn't it so amusing. We work our ass off to get As for common tests and such. And all we got was a B3. A plain, measly B3 worth no shit. And all those who find it hard to hit a B before got B3 easily, and most even got distinctions. Isn't it so amusing, the way fate play with our lives. Well, I'll work doubly hard, no, triply hard. I'll hit an A, I'll try. What's the worse that could happen, I'll just die trying.

What an amusing world.